a nod is as good as a wink

I have glaucoma that is advancing kind of fast -- and now cataracts in each eye -- so there are some unanticipated difficulties in day to day blog maintenance.  You may have noticed some odd things going on, font-wise, for instance!  Bizarre spacing strategies.  More than a few instances of original spellings!  After hours of messing around with formats and styles this morning, in a vain attempt to avoid doing anything of real consequence, I have hit on this font style as being easiest on the old eyeballs.  Even though a couple of people suggested color changes as well, probably because I've put together a pretty boring scheme, I am keeping a basic stark dark-on-white.  Still, the white background is a problem.  White and light are both my biggest visual challenges, really, and they only become more troublesome as the day progresses.  By the time I pack it in, usually in the wee hours, my vision fairly throbs from all the brightness.

I have built-in strobe!

For some reason, my ophthalmologist refuses to entertain any discussion of removing the cataracts.  You probably wouldn't believe me capable of tolerating obtuse and deflecting responses to my health questions, but you'd be surprised how fear can still the tongue.

The oft-mentioned MDVIP Go-To-Guy, a true Godsend, finally deciphered my frequent whine about the eye doctor, finally figured out how scary I find this ongoing loss of vision, and suggested a new specialist.

This change is not at all like yesterday's defection to a new cardiologist.  My former Heart Dude was and is simply outstanding;  It was his hospital affiliation that spooked me, not him.

Where does this guilt at changing doctors come from?  Why do I care what my ophthalmologist thinks of me, if he even does?  It's ridiculous, this ego-driven world view of mine.  We simply don't communicate well.

No, that's not true!

He ignores my complaints and will either talk over my questions or answer them with sarcasm that I just don't get.  Before every appointment, and Good Lord there have been enough of them, I would sternly tell Fred that "this time" I would not leave until I understood the "plan." About five years ago, the doctor made the only clear statement of intent that I can recall, saying that "[his] job is to preserve what vision [I] have."

Well, that battle has been lost!  I asked when he planned to remove the cataracts, and he answered with "Never, if I can help it."  That left me speechless but also finally motivated me to turn to Go-To-Guy.  In addition to refering me to a new dude, Go-To-Guy explained that glaucoma complicated the seemingly simple decision of how and when to remove a cloudy lens.

This is one area of my health concerns where I can be considered non-compliant and generally a rotten patient.  I had years to observe the stubbornness of my grandfather as he went completely blind from glaucoma.

One day, heh-heh, I should regale you with the stories of the Old Man firing a gun in the general vicinity of his brother-in-law, who had the unfortunate habit of belittling him.  People tended to allow his bullying, in large part because he was a wealthy old cuss, and without an heir.

I'm sure that, years later, when mean old James died, a lot of vague relations blamed their failure to inherit his millions on my blind gun-toting grandfather.

And it was something, too, to see him mow the lawn.  With a riding mower, without any discernible guide beyond his intimate knowledge of his own property.

He managed huge vegetable and flower gardens without apparent difficulty.  The only thing he clearly gave up was driving a car.

I am nowhere close to having his bravery or substance.

My failure to use the eyedrops designed to lower eye pressure is not a complicated behavior.  The whole issue scares me to death.  The drops may lower my pressures, but they also mess up my vision so much that I cannot function as a seeing adult -- can't read, can't write, can't watch television, play bridge, or make a discerning judgment based on the casting of one of Those Looks.  My eyes become red and irritated, the world shows up as a great big blur.  It's not even the kind of deficit where applying magnification has any effect whatsoever.  Granddad used to peer at the New York Times through binoculars.  That's not going to work for me.  I'd end up with magnified mess.

blah::blah::yadda::yadda

There is actually something else going on with these orbs but I cannot remember the term.  It has to do with the center part of my vision going to heck.  I take the stance of it-hardly-matters because I was told by Eye Guy that there was nothing to be done about it, sorry!  I was legally blind before being diagnosed with glaucoma and I guess that has given me a bit of fatalism over the whole business.

Predeterminism.

Defeatism.

blah::blah::yadda::yadda

If anyone out there has any expertise in layout/design with an aim toward ease on the eyes, particularly how to  handle disturbances that come from "halos" and distortions due to cataracts, please lay your opinion and advice upon me! Also, Eye Guy told me not to pay for new glasses, as my vision will be unstable for a good while... Is that right?  Am I just supposed to break out the Braille?

Jeez.