Repost from 7/22/2010 as recent events have resurrected The Elevator Dream. Not the act of dreaming, of course, because that would imply sleep. No, what has brought the demons back, today, is my need of money. How crass, you may be thinking. No luck with that Gratitude Journal, huh? There's nothing crass about needing money and being too ill to work, too disabled to labor, too unreliable to front a classroom. I know the party line. I know I am blessed to have private long term disability insurance. In the world of blessings and gratitude, hell, I am touched by grace just to be alive. Yet there are days, even whole years, where my inability to effect financial change drags down my health, my soul, my family's health, my family's soul. Somewhere along the line, I bought into the crap that disabled sick people are throw-aways, that I am a throw-away. I may live, but I may NOT live well. I may live, but to others' standards. People are deciding my relative worth every day, in ways I am only now beginning to understand.
Left to certain political audiences, I don't merit life, even.
And as I am less and less inclined to worship at the correctness altar -- even with all its delectable old men's wrinkled butt lined up at a kissable level, at the worship ready -- my "options" will soon be limited to a point that will, definitively, take my breath away.
Grader Boob was informed today that he'll be unemployed next semester;
Fred needs cash to tend to very important Fred-things;
Bianca needs a new pair of shoes; Miss Marmy Fluffy Butt prefers the more expensive litter;
and Buddy the Kitten has decided to be a Maine Coon and will not stop growing for at least three years.
These are people [well, mostly people] to whom I want to turn
in my *fullness*, not this perpetual emptiness of almost-can.
As I sought to relax, it was, unfortunately, the screeching Dr. Sween who provided the audio portion of
my mental exercise, and I found myself wanting to screech back.
If putting up another repost keeps me from breaking into full-screech mode tonight? Small price to pay to get to tomorrow, sane.
I've got to get out of this damned elevator.
Chuckle.
Remember my recent post on the IASP and the movement toward an improved instrument of diagnostic criteria for CRPS? No? Well, you can read it
here.
These optimistic good folk are at it again, as they now take on "wait times." May their optimism collide with reality in a non-distant future! Blessed are these forces, tasked with improving our lot!
Give their latest a quick read:
The International Association for the Study of Pain Task Force on Wait-Times.
Weary giggle.
Weary sniff.
Yes, as usual, I confront the helping hands of scientific task forces and medical recommendation-makers with my own effed-up brand of real and actual appreciation, spiced with frustration and a dash of jealous resentment.
I appreciate and do my best to broadcast all progress, doing due diligence, working to stay openminded when the work challenges my beliefs, trying to stay humble and happy when the researchers and medicos arrive painstakingly at what seems so very obvious.
In my world, the obvious does not have to undergo the rigors of proof.
I cannot deny the surge of anger I feel, knowing how the system that now teeters and totters its way toward progress, totally let me down back when I needed clear diagnostic criteria and some guideline hammering home the need for quick diagnosis and faster treatment. At least these bitter moments are fewer now, more quickly suppressed, and almost completely consigned to my sleeping hours.
So...you want to know the recommendation from the IASP regarding level of alarm and desirous wait time in new CRPS cases?
Are you sure?
They classify a new case of CRPS as "
Most Urgent."
They recommend a wait time of no longer than "
one week."
Mwa ha ha!
Having had a "classic presentation," which politely presented itself in a hospital setting, even, you'd think I would have had a great shot at early, correct diagnosis, or, at least, a correct early referral to an appropriate specialty -- neurology or pain management.
Well, of course, I
did. And I did
not, as well.
Unfortunately, the hospital (with its specificity of place, persons, and situations) was the
direct cause of my CRPS, and so: Lo! Hark! Why am I still surprised to realize that "it" consciously, and with premeditation, condemned me to a life of pain and disability? So what if they successfully deferred my diagnosis for over 19 months?
I managed to put the details of my CRPS story in
a blog post recently. It may or may not clarify things were you to read that first!
I still dream dreams of being in the elevator of one of the Doctors' Buildings attached to the hospital, on my way to... I don't know where. I am studying the buttons, trying to remember what floor I want. Slowly, I become aware of someone else in the elevator, someone whose white coat is visible out of the corner of my eye.
It is, most often, Dr. Sween. That's kind of not fair, as all he did was
obstruct my treatment and -- aside from that little bit of malpractice --
abuse me, emotionally. He told me
his tale of woe -- how
his department had to suffer the indignity of a state-level investigation because I had the unmitigated gall to report a Sentinel Event that went
unreported by a half-dozen doctors, dozens of nurses, and the entire SJHA hospital administration. He scoffed at me when I began to cry over the fear
I had of the future -- no possibility of ever teaching again, ever earning my way, supporting my family. It had not dawned on me, then, that I would suffer physically forever and anon. It had not dawned on me precisely because my experience precluded the possibility for that much pain to endure. Who'd a thunk it,
outside of a medical professional or two?
Courtesy of The Joint Commission:
A sentinel event is an unexpected occurrence involving death or serious physical or psychological injury, or the risk thereof. Serious injury specifically includes loss of limb or function. The phrase, "or the risk thereof" includes any process variation for which a recurrence would carry a significant chance of a serious adverse outcome. Such events are called "sentinel" because they signal the need for immediate investigation and response.
Sween
yelled that there was no way I had suffered an adrenal crisis due to a failure to premedicate (also
intra- and
post- medicate, but I don't want to seem picky). It just wasn't possible and anyone who thought so did not know what they were talking about. And, certainly, the person ill-mannered enough to actually go into complete adrenal failure was a person to be dismissed and ignored. As soon as the nitwit navigates his way out of cardiac and kidney failure, squeezes by the dangers of that hospital-acquired infection, 'n his heart rate sees the underside of 160, that is...
Of course, my mind wandered to my endocrinologist, but I am sure that's not whom he meant! Not the doctor who came in one night --
a few weeks after the
initial failure to medicate -- and found me "altered" enough, and complaining of those vague, ridiculous symptoms (weakness, diarrhea, lower back pain, craving salt) to warrant ordering an immediate cortisol level... and found a level of .05 mcg/dL. That's POINT ZERO FIVE. That's right, he documented
another failure to medicate -- the one that you swear has no discernible impact on adrenal function -- and then
he documented the result. We keep that lab result in archival preservative materials, and
the Cistercians-Next-Door are guarding it with the same dedication they bring to the protection of Jesus' Foreskin, their greatest relic.
So *bleep* you, and your department, Dr. Sween! Your discomfort at being investigated came and went; Your means of livelihood are intact; Nothing too bad happened to you. You are the SJHA Poster Boy!
*Bleep* you. And *bleep* your Mama, too. How you
loved to tell me how you
loved teachers. "I come from a family of teachers. I know how hard you work!" No problem loading me up on ungodly amounts of Oxycontin -- but see that I was diagnosed and treated in a timely fashion for a severe and disabling neurological disorder? Hell, no!
Next, I catch a glimpse of a white coat so starched that it looks to be of marble, a coat more brilliantly white than... well, white. It always turns out to be Dr. Kelman, the doctor most likely to form opinions according to the direction of the prevailing breeze upon his spittle-drenched index finger.
Truly a bad doctor. I really mean that. Dr. Sween? He is capable of being a superb doctor. It's basically his choice. Dr. Kelman? Poor thing, he can't help himself. Plus, I believe he may be a sociopath. I'm not entirely sure about that yet.
Almost, but not quite.
As the neurologist, it should have been evident what he was dealing with -- an emergent case of CRPS. ("Classic." "Textbook." That is how the neurologist who
did make the diagnosis described my case, 19 months later. There was nothing difficult or bizarre in my presentation.) Doctor Kelman, though, is not
in tune, not
up with, such medical niceties... but man-o-man, is he ever atune to the niceties of MedMal law and knows to whom he owes allegiance. In case you are wondering -- he was the mouthpiece for the hospital. The sequalae I suffered after a totally preventable Addisonian crisis and a fall in ICU that fractured several bones, concussed my one head, and introduced weeks of internal g.i. bleeding, etc.? They were
laughable (I think that because
he laughed...) and due to "emotion." My left hand was in the shape of a claw, spasming, too painful to touch... My right leg was in deplorable condition, rotating outward, hugely swollen, reacting to the movement of air with ugly recrimination -- forget how it felt when actually poked or gripped for pulses...
He did not even speak *to* me. Dr. Kelman stood at the foot of my bed -- indeed, he once bumped the bottom of my right foot and laughed at my reaction (in addition to being emergent CRPS, the ankle was fractured) -- he stood at the foot of my bed and loudly proclaimed to the orthopedic surgeon covering for my own wayward specialist, that my problems were emotional and that clearly I had had
too much pain medication.
I cannot even work up a respectable "mwa... haaaaaaaaaaa... haaaaaaaaaaaaaa - ah - ah" at the memory of Dr. Kelman.
When it became clear to him that I was not an idiot (which took more time than I like to admit), he tried a new claim. Actually, I guess he never did stop thinking that I was an idiot because his claim was this: "What NEW case of CRPS? Why, you've
always had CRPS. I should know, I diagnosed it
years ago!"
No, sorry, despite years of reflection, review of records, inquiries made and answered -- I cannot explain what he was hoping to accomplish with that announcement! Many a brow has furrowed in its wake. I do, however, have a letter saved -- that I do not remember writing, but which I do like, and like
very much. In it, I defend the honor of the Physical Therapist doing home visits with me, a talented young woman who hit upon CRPS almost immediately. When I shared her diagnosis with Dr. Kelman, he started yipping at me like an overexcited little lap dog, saying, among other things: "How dare you question my diagnosis, especially because of some stupid PT who doesn't know anything about anything..." That was my last visit to dear, dear Dr. Kelman. He never took me up on my offer to put his claims of "preexisting CRPS" in writing. It would have been quite the accomplishment to have diagnosed me with CRPS/RSD years before the onset of any symptoms -- a real diagnostic
tour de force.
Oddly enough, the person least often in the elevator of my dreams is Dr. Carson, the orthopod who really should be first in line for any oneiric revenge fantasies. The thought of him still terrifies me enough that I cannot even let the elevator doors close before I panic. Sometimes my wheelchair is caught in the opening-closing-opening-closing doors, and I am trapped.
I was still in the ICU the day he stood by my bed and told me: "I do not have to fix your leg... really it is an elective surgery, you know, I don't have to do a thing about it." {
Large, ingratiating, insouciant smile}
I asked him what would happen to my broken, oddly-angled foot and ankle without surgery; He laughed. He said, "It would stay like it is now, a perfectly acceptable outcome." {
Large, ingratiating, insouciant smile} That would mean hanging weirdly on the end of my swollen, red leg, unusable?
At the evident horror on my face, and in sagacious fear of a taperecorder: "I will fix it, but I want you to know I don't have to..." More laughter.
Shiver. More shivers.
Oh, I bet you want to know what goes on in my elevator! Well, each man says something like, "Ahem. Hello, Ms. Retired Educator. How have you been doing?" Their voices are not normal. They are castrati: mezzo-soprano, contralto. Kelman, as much a true soprano as
Michael Maniaci.
I cannot answer their polite queries, of course.
I have no voice.
The doors close, we go up precisely two floors, and the doors open. I rush my wheelchair through the opening, zig-zagging in my nervousness. This is not my floor but I have to get out of there...
Yes, well.
Not even my dreams are subtle.
As I said, the news in the world of pain management today comes in the form of these
recommendations about "wait time" from the IASP:
•Most urgent (1 week): acute painful severe condition with risk of deterioration or chronicity (new CRPS) or pain related to cancer or terminal or end stage illness (acute herpes zoster also requires urgent treatment but ideally should be treated at the primary care level rather than requiring a pain specialist service).
• Urgent or semi-urgent (1 month): severe undiagnosed or progressive pain and risk of increasing functional impairment generally 6 months duration or less (back pain not resolving, neuropathic pain, post surgical or post traumatic pain)
•Routine or regular (4 months): persistent long-term pain without significant progression
