in lieu of originality....

in lieu of a post dedicated to marlinspike hall and manor fans alone, please allow me to copy the high wit and zaniness that i sent out to my friends and family list last night and this morning.

i must highlight a scientific discovery, however:  dark chocolate seems to be the cure for most illness.  dark, dark chocolate -- low sugar.  sensuous.  you heard it here first.

okay, here are my cut and paste offerings:

#1.  To MDVIP  Go-To-Guy and his hopping nurse, Jalapeño:



HI -- 


I just called yesterday to say that I was going home from X Hospital.  Dr. D felt good about the surgery, did not see obvious infection, removed the spacer, etc. so I am shoulderless on the left.   Dr.B did not feel so optimistic -- seems more worried about the situation in the bone and less about the joint space, and ordered another bleeping PICC line and a month to 6 weeks of intravenous antibiotics.-- daptomycin.


He said I need either vancomycin or daptomycin -- vanco messes up my ears, and I get high liver enzymes on daptomycin, but those are my only choices [?].


I am exhausted and depressed and hurt.... BUT if we had not been able to stop the CRPS spasms beforehand?  This would have been a disaster -- so I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART for helping to get those stopped.


We have to make numerous trips back and forth to Dr. B's office and Fred is unhappy.  Five minutes before we left the Manor Monday to check in for surgery, he told me he was not going to stay with me after surgery, and "so what should I do with your stuff?" [like a *wheelchair*]  I made him leave once he dropped me off, because all I was getting was more ADHD/PTSD stuff and I couldn't take it anymore.  So I went into surgery sobbing like a nincompoop and he didn't show up until 4 on Tuesday, just in time to leave the hospital... I don't believe he remembers doing or saying any of that stuff on Monday.  It's amazing, infuriating, depressing, scary, and it makes me very lonely sometimes.  But love is miraculous, and on the way home he stopped of his own accord to get me some chocolate.  Sometimes buying your partner chocolate is the biggest "I love you" you are gonna get.


This time, though, even if he has to lose it for a little while, I am okay, I am not febrile and falling down!  It's time to take care of Fred for a bit.  And ManorFest is now just weeks away.  We are thinking of submitting the film of this surgery to the Sundance Festival Competition, Cannes, and have a preliminary showing here, shown on the outside wall of the Labyrinth -- which is now big enough to serve as an IMAX screen.


Okay, well, let me get busy trying to see what life without a shoulder is like!  So far, I haven't even had the guts to look at the wound but Dr. D seemed very pleased.


You all are wonderful.  There is no need for home nursing or any of that -- Fred, Bianca, or I (probably me) will do the PICC infusions -- they are just once a day.  If I can get the long extensions put on the PICC do-dads, then I can use my left hand for flushing the lines.  Fun, fun, fun!


Nathalie at G's switched me to 25 fentanyl patches.  Do you think she will believe me that we went through 3 of them in 3 days?  One fell off in the shower on Sunday, they pulled the next one off in pre-op, put a new one on that Hank pulled off, thinking it was tape,  We are a lot like the Marx Brothers.


Much love and appreciation for your prayers and good thoughts.  If I spike a temp or feel really rotten, I will call: you, D, B -- in that order!


Profderien, Gimp par excellence


PS My new least favorite experience?  Being given the paralytic medicine in the operating room before having access to any breathing tube... can you say "panic"?






#2 To Friends and Family, with a few foes thrown in for good measure:



howdy, group --


i am home, but now you can only cry on one shoulder.  you can only put your head on one shoulder... i can't think of any decent shoulder jokes!


there was a divergence of opinion -- the surgeon felt there was no "significant infection," and the infectious disease doctor was more concerned with the state of the bone, not the joint space.  in battles between infectious disease bigwigs and shoulder surgeon bigwigs, it's the "ID" guy who wins.


so they inserted another bleepety-bleep PICC line yesterday and started 6 weeks of daptomycin.  never mind that it gives me liver toxicity, ID Man says "we'll keep an eye on it and if it gets too bad, we'll switch to vancomycin."  vancomycin makes me have auditory hallucinations, and ringing in the ears which can be permanent.


if i did not like and trust ID Man so much, i'd have taken off at high speed in my trusty chair, clearing the way with a cane wielded with fierce precision.


okay, so it hurts like the dickens, i have not had the guts to look at the wound, and we have to be at ID Man's office in just a bit.  so this well-written, well-thought out missive must end.  don't cry...


fred is fine.  i about killed him, but he's fine.  i don't think he has any memory of the crap he pulled prior to surgery, which is just as well....


i love all of y'all, and have appreciated your support over the ten surgeries these past three years!


if you are not an obama supporter, and i suppose that is in the realm of possibility, please still give thanks to the man for giving me the opportunity to buy insurance when all the private companies refused to cover me any longer.  it is still a bankrupting situation, but i am covered and treated well.  i grieve for those who are not.  i am pretty sure that romney would not recognize me as either a corporation or a "person." 


love ya,
profderien, the one-shouldered gimplet

All Through The Night

This post has a soundtrack, courtesy of Ms. Lauper:



An unlikely pairing of two phrases got me through the night: Sí se puede and Work the problem.

Sí se puede has multiple derivations, of course, but is mostly driven -- at least here at Marlinspike Hall, deep, deep in the Tête de Hergé (très décédé, d'ailleurs) -- by President Obama's use of it as a candidate, in a concession speech after losing the New Hampshire primary to Hilary Clinton.  It won me over then, and it comforts me now.

I still use, however, my beautiful blue Hillary for President water bottle. I also have a Teachers for Hillary tee shirt, also a predominantly beautiful and democratic blue. [Leave my sentence alone.]

I share certain proclivities with our current Secretary of State.



Anyway, sí se puede figured a prominent foreground for me, as I lay screaming and moaning the names of God, all through the night.

Remarks of Senator Barack Obama - New Hampshire Primary
Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
Nashua, New Hampshire


I want to congratulate Senator Clinton on a hard-fought victory here in New Hampshire.


A few weeks ago, no one imagined that we'd have accomplished what we did here tonight. For most of this campaign, we were far behind, and we always knew our climb would be steep. But in record numbers, you came out and spoke up for change. And with your voices and your votes, you made it clear that at this moment – in this election – there is something happening in America.


There is something happening when men and women in Des Moines and Davenport; in Lebanon and Concord come out in the snows of January to wait in lines that stretch block after block because they believe in what this country can be.


There is something happening when Americans who are young in age and in spirit – who have never before participated in politics – turn out in numbers we've never seen because they know in their hearts that this time must be different.


There is something happening when people vote not just for the party they belong to but the hopes they hold in common – that whether we are rich or poor; black or white; Latino or Asian; whether we hail from Iowa or New Hampshire, Nevada or South Carolina, we are ready to take this country in a fundamentally new direction. That is what's happening in America right now. Change is what's happening in America.


You can be the new majority who can lead this nation out of a long political darkness – Democrats, Independents and Republicans who are tired of the division and distraction that has clouded Washington; who know that we can disagree without being disagreeable; who understand that if we mobilize our voices to challenge the money and influence that's stood in our way and challenge ourselves to reach for something better, there's no problem we can't solve – no destiny we cannot fulfill.


Our new American majority can end the outrage of unaffordable, unavailable health care in our time. We can bring doctors and patients; workers and businesses, Democrats and Republicans together; and we can tell the drug and insurance industry that while they'll get a seat at the table, they don't get to buy every chair. Not this time. Not now. Our new majority can end the tax breaks for corporations that ship our jobs overseas and put a middle-class tax cut into the pockets of the working Americans who deserve it.


We can stop sending our children to schools with corridors of shame and start putting them on a pathway to success. We can stop talking about how great teachers are and start rewarding them for their greatness. We can do this with our new majority.


We can harness the ingenuity of farmers and scientists; citizens and entrepreneurs to free this nation from the tyranny of oil and save our planet from a point of no return. And when I am President, we will end this war in Iraq and bring our troops home; we will finish the job against al Qaeda in Afghanistan; we will care for our veterans; we will restore our moral standing in the world; and we will never use 9/11 as a way to scare up votes, because it is not a tactic to win an election, it is a challenge that should unite America and the world against the common threats of the twenty-first century: terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease.


All of the candidates in this race share these goals. All have good ideas. And all are patriots who serve this country honorably.


But the reason our campaign has always been different is because it's not just about what I will do as President, it's also about what you, the people who love this country, can do to change it.


That's why tonight belongs to you.


It belongs to the organizers and the volunteers and the staff who believed in our improbable journey and rallied so many others to join.


We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can withstand the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come.


We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.


But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.


Yes we can.


It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.


Yes we can.


It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom through the darkest of nights.


Yes we can.


It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.


Yes we can.


It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.


Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can.


And so tomorrow, as we take this campaign South and West; as we learn that the struggles of the textile worker in Spartanburg are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas; that the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America's story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea – Yes. We. Can.

The other allusion, work the problem? It's from the character Gene Kranz in the 1995 movie Apollo 13, played by Ed Harris, of the beautiful blue eyes.

Let's work the problem people. Let's not make things worse by guessing.

Here is the slight, but deft, unpacking required to make the phrase function -- from the blog Getting to Excellent, written by "business intelligence and performance manager" Caroline Eveleigh:

I can find no evidence that the words “work the problem” were uttered with the regularity that the film footage suggests, but I can imagine something similar might have been said.


As tempers and personalities flare and flash it is tempting to get defocused with who did what and why, instead of what needs to be done. NASA couldn’t afford to defocus; this was a critical time for them. They knew the eyes of the world were upon them, and that they were working with difficult and untried technology. They also knew that mistakes could mean the loss of life of their colleagues. I can’t imagine anything with more pressure.


So those 3 simple words encapsulate quite a lot:

• Stay focused on the issue
• Don’t let irrelevant details take attention away from what needs to be done
• Keep focused until the problem is solved

Having a process to solve problems can save time and tantrums, and improve the final outcome:

• Identify and define the problem
• Determine possible causes
• Agree the cause of the problem
• Evaluate possible solutions and select one
• Implement the solution
• Check that the problem has been solved

Not all our problems are rocket science, but that doesn’t make them any less important in achieving our goals.

I appreciate the inclusionary nod, there at the end.

To what problems did my raving mind apply both the pragmatic and the visionary aspects of my two "can do" phrasings?

Home alone [essentially, or whatever], very sick, legs edematous to an unbelievable degree, and spasming with less than 30 seconds respite between cycles, febrile, pain at 9/10, considerable moaning/yelling, and need to -- in a very particular order --

• Sit, and then stand, up
• Sit down in the wheelchair
• Disconnect from a vancomycin medicine ball, and then flush, a PICC line that is in the right upper arm, using only the right hand/arm [there are two 14-inch extensions]
• Secure those two extensions so that they are not flying about, as Buddy the Freakishly Large Kitten greatly desires them
• Self-propel the wheelchair to the bathroom door, using the ever-available right arm, alone [dragging legs, as they proved unable to bend enough to get feet on the foot rests]
• Stand
• Open bathroom door
• Walk to toilet seat
• Hang on to towel bar
• Drop the scrub pants
• Sit on toilet seat
• Do the deeds
• Perform the hygiene
• Stand
• Find the waist drawstring of the scrub pant, pull 'em up
• And... so on

For what it is worth, I followed both the integral step breakdowns and the loftier rationale, the work the problem and the sí se puede.  If only the next instance of need would not follow so quickly, and with buggers of little modifications [left knee now buckles, right foot is slick with leaked lymphatic fluid].

Thank you for your attention.
Sincerely,
The Gimp

postoperative poopy-doops, and so on, and so, forth!

dear kind reader[s],

here's a [very] rough breakdown of Things Since Surgery, as composed earlier today [friday]:

one of the first things i heard while coming around was some news broadcaster calling newt gingrich "a nimble politician," so i knew i was either in hell or awake. 

here's a quick summary: 

the prosthesis was very infected, confirmed by frozen section during surgery
but whether it will grow in the lab is anyone's guess [if you have celestial influence, that's the wish to use it on]
he had to split the bone, unfortunately
he put in antibiotic laced spacer made of what's called "surgical cement"
i arrived in room from PACU with NO i.v. access and that was surely fun
on my birthday, i got a PICC line and a second regional block -- woo hoo!
the spasms arrived, along with dr. b, my favorite infectious disease doctor
dr. b, too, wants YOU to pray for The Crud to grow in the lab
spasms and pain brought me to my first ever declaration of 10/10 on the pain scale
needed 2 units of blood
they got permission, over my protests, to use my left forearm for the BP cuff during transfusion

i protested because that could cause CRPS spread in a freshly operated limb

and... the CRPS promptly spread
i was devastated
asked my ortho and dr. b to send me home so i could get pain control
they agreed
fred got to the hospital after the last drop o'blood, riding my wheelchair into the room like a knight in shining armor
we needed all kind of help to get my massively swollen and oh-so-fetching body folded into my wheelchair
[did i mention that the chair is on its last legs? that we were hoping the new one would arrive before surgery?]
fred had kept it nonstop on its charger
so, of course, we turned on the power, and... NOTHING... DEAD... KAPUT...
we got home but it was not pretty, nor comfortable
fred has been challenged and we are just trying to survive
we had to be at dr. b's place the next morning at 10
we made it... got re-trained in PICC line administration of vancomycin
by the time we got home, nerves and tempers were shot
but it's been uphill since then
fred forwarded all your email replies earlier today
and he was so wise to do that - as it gave me a wonderful lift.
he thanks you
i thank you
i love you!