To Redmond, Washington: IE9, Windows Vista

[1/12/2015, Editorial Note to my new friend:  You are doing very well helping out with the statistics -- thank you! Your affinity for the tongue-in-cheek is duly noted, jotted down in a scrawling hand in the Friend Log of Preferences. What is your favorite color?  Still, the silence is deafening.  I worry about you, also -- worry being just one of my métiers. I worry that you are not getting enough sun, sufficient exercise, fresh air. When did you last have a good salad, dressed with peppers drenched in white balsamic vinegar?]

*****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****

How may I assist you?  You are focusing, by my best guess, either on the Lindsey Baum case or my adoration of José Ochoa.  If it is my charming self that you study, we could drastically improve your time management issues,  Let me know in a comment and perhaps I can cut down on the amount of time you have to spend wandering these vast corridors, reading the same redundant, tired posts over and over, again and again, ad infinitum.

It would be a boon for me, too. Since, about 96% of your visits involve either whole months or, due to recent changes in the archive layout, whole weeks, you could really bump up my page view stats by choosing individual posts/pages.  You know, like you did last night, when you kept requesting "XXX Porn! Live, Totally Naked Women! XXX Porn!"

One hand washes the other!


18:55:01 -- 16 minutes ago


18:45:58 -- 24 minutes ago


15:04:51 -- 4 hours 2 mins ago


14:35:00 -- 4 hours 33 mins ago


14:17:37 -- 4 hours 51 mins ago


© 2015 L. Ryan

Here's a New Rule

I am in a proverbial Southeast USAmerican bona fide Snit.  But I would have to ask my relatives' everlovin' permission to explain the aforementioned Snit. Here's a clue:  Others are deciding of what I am capable -- physically and psychologically.  The alternative clue?  Karma.  The frequency of their declarations of love are proportional to their actual inner dialogues of hate.  This I have brought upon myself by spending twelve years complaining about the pain of CRPS, osteomyelitis, and the lint in my navel.  I confused my Brother Lumpy for a collegial confidant and ought not to have done so.  What I should have been is reticent and yet somehow not the "little sister." There are four freaking years between us, an apparent temporal chasm. So now, information I need about the well-being and needs of Brother Lumpy is being vetted, omitted, diluted so that our shared blood has become like weak water.  I have been denied the honor and the need to see my very ill, very beloved brother, who changed planes at the Tête de Hergé Universal Airport yesterday evening, and will possibly do it again tomorrow.  Could I have managed to rise above my pain, let Bianca Castafiore paint my face into a facsimile of cuteness, tied happy mylar balloons to my wheelchair, and been a boon to the dear boy? Yes, Dear Readers, I could and would.  I would do anything to get there, see him, touch him (lightly, carefully), and make him chortle. Anything.  But it was decided, in a passive and secret voice, that I should not even be told, and certainly not allowed.  

Here's a new rule: 

Even the dying must make an effort to be gracious.  

Everyone knows the adage that "rules were made to be broken." 

In this case, those of us who are spectators to the cruelty of cancer, 

for example, must respect their respective lumpy brothers in all things,

 if that is their conception of dignity, if that is their wont. 

I will become an adept at emitting undetectable telepathic signals of unconditional love and wishes for comfort. Will our Comcast wifi router out in the Computer Turret be of any help with that, I wonder?

He is from the work of a Southern writer
Where every man's a fighter
Where the strong survive
And the weak move north to rest

And he had lines of silver
And hands that delivered
Me down to the river
To drift away alone

And I will never understand
The heart of a lonely man
Why my own wheels are gonna carry me
Far from his gentle hands

And baby, I can't come home
Lord, I've been away now just too damn long
And I can't love wrong
No, I can't love wrong

Late night when the bars are empty
And my liquor's been plenty
And the fiction read
Rests heavy on my tongue

I miss the sound of his dreaming
I can't believe, I am leaving
All that I ever wanted
'Cause I can't love wrong

And I will never understand
The heart of a lonely man
Why my own wheels are gonna carry me
Far from his gentle hands

And baby, I can't come home
Lord, I've been away now just too damn long
And I can't love wrong
No, I can't love wrong

Well, baby, I can't come home
Lord, I've been away now just too damn long
And I can't love wrong
No, I can't love wrong

Oh honey, I can't love wrong
No, I can't love wrong
-- nanci griffith


© 2015 L. Ryan

izu watanabe, coo, and a length of hemp rope

originally seen on Lolcats

uploaded to YouTube by izu watanabe

© 2015 L. Ryan

One "Thank You" That Is Meaningful Because It Is REAL

I give many small amounts to "progressive" political, social, and [shocker-of-shockers!] religious organizations, even some that are not tax-deductible (who cares? i am dirt poor in the soil surrounding -- and sometimes within -- Marlinspike Hall, a manor to the west of the Lone Alp smack dab in the middle of Tête de Hergé!) I consider the american academy of poets a different thing altogether.  A port in the storm.  History. Infuriating. Exhilarating.  A holy book.  Often, a warning we should heed.  Delightful guffaws and harrumphs.  And since I am an educator, add "educating."  The "thank you" notes from those progressive [entre guillemets] organizations?  They always include two, even three, additional dumbed-down pitches for a further donation, unable to imagine how poor I really am. The Academy of American Poets?  These poetic types?  They reek of sincerity!  And... they delight me with a poem-a-day that inevitably relieves my considerable physical pain by generating a humongous influx of endorphins. poets Dear Academy Supporter: I want to thank the many readers like you who supported the Academy of American Poets during our year-end campaign last month. Shortly after 2014 drew to a close, we discovered we raised $42,000—more than matching the $25,000 challenge made by one of our Board members! We rely on contributions from our members and donors to help showcase poets and champion the art of poetry with our programs, including Poets.org, Poem-a-Day, and the free educational resources we provide for K-12 teachers during National Poetry Month and year-round. As our Chancellor Alberto Ríos wrote in his poem, “When Giving Is All We Have:” What you did not have, and I gave you What I had to give—together, we made Something greater from the difference. Together, we are helping to ensure the important place poets and poetry have in our culture. Here’s to a new and inspiring year! In gratitude, Jennifer Benka, Executive Director We Did It!

© 2015 L. Ryan

The Comcast ClusterF*ck Continues Unabated

due to the unimaginable response from COMCAST -- after Fred's three phone "conversations," my three (transcripted) "chats" -- coupled with my profound sadness about what is happening (has been happening/will happen) in my beloved FRANCE -- the following email was sent to Fred, ensconced in the computer turret since early this morning, trying to decipher the terrorist training that COMCAST operator-operatives under go when becoming customer service representatives. the competition for sales commissions apparently justifies the lies upon lies that these COMCAST lying liars spout with such facility. i say again, and never often enough, "dear, wonderful, brilliant, sweet Fred!" say it with me, DEAR READERS, say it with me: "dear, wonderful, brilliant, sweet Fred!"

anyway, upon receiving our fifth email from COMCAST detailing what our new billing will be -- last promised, on the phone, to be a much boosted superheroic internet speed and 140 mind-numbing television channels at a locked-in rate of $89, only to be an actual $188.86 monthly bill... my aforementioned numb mind imploded. odd, because i usually EXplode my brain matter onto the ceiling, right next to the coffee splatters.  you know?

***************************************************************************************

pertinent, if incoherent, email to Fred, this friday morning, ce vendredi néfaste, maléfique::

we will prevail over The Evil Comcast Empire, without doubt. 

but... "j'accuse" * to quote a REAL quote from émile zola versus the misquoted voltaire! 

if they won't give us decent internet speed/power, won't budge on the cost (if you can get them to say the ACTUAL cost), then: 

**tell them we will budge on the television service.
"give us the best television price you can that will bring the total,.actual, complete cost below $100."
i will go into television withdrawal before i will pay these ridiculous "triple pay" prices for "double play" services that are really ground balls hit to the first baseman!   

**if lowering the television service does not bring the price down to what they have promised (in writing and on the phone), tell them we will keep the present crappy service."
at this point would you please ask them to purge the line to the turret router (remind them that it runs through the barn and over the rope ladder to the turret) -- and maybe that will at least clean up, and maybe speed up, my internet (since yours seems to be acceptable, if i understand correctly.  are you still able to stream video without interruption and glitches? load pages quickly? i can barely get through short youtube vids and it takes between 45 seconds and 8 HOURS (okay, 4 minutes, jeez) to load the stupid COMCAST page! but then, you have the luxurious computer turret, and i, i have the creepy suite in the outer northwest manor wing.

satiric trivia below, mon chéri, in honor of what's happening in FRANCE-- 

* beginning of zola's wonderful letter "j'accuse":

Me permettez-vous, dans ma gratitude pour le bienveillant accueil que vous m’avez fait un jour, d’avoir le souci de votre juste gloire et de vous dire que votre étoile, si heureuse jusqu’ici, est menacée de la plus honteuse, de la plus ineffaçable des taches ?

Vous êtes sorti sain et sauf des basses calomnies, vous avez conquis les cœurs. Vous apparaissez rayonnant dans l’apothéose de cette fête patriotique que l’alliance russe a été pour la France, et vous vous préparez à présider au solennel triomphe de notre Exposition Universelle, qui couronnera notre grand siècle de travail, de vérité et de liberté. Mais quelle tache de boue sur votre nom — j’allais dire sur votre règne — que cette abominable affaire Dreyfus ! Un conseil de guerre vient, par ordre, d’oser acquitter un Esterhazy, soufflet suprême à toute vérité, à toute justice. Et c’est fini, la France a sur la joue cette souillure, l’histoire écrira que c’est sous votre présidence qu’un tel crime social a pu être commis...

[....]  J’accuse le général de Pellieux et le commandant Ravary d’avoir fait une enquête scélérate, j’entends par là une enquête de la plus monstrueuse partialité, dont nous avons, dans le rapport du second, un impérissable monument de naïve audace.

J’accuse les trois experts en écritures, les sieurs Belhomme, Varinard et Couard, d’avoir fait des rapports mensongers et frauduleux, à moins qu’un examen médical ne les déclare atteints d’une maladie de la vue et du jugement.

translated, but you must imagine COMCAST personnel (the CEO plus the chat and telephone "customer service" lying liar experts) in place of the french president Félix Faure, General De Pellieux, commander Ravary, and the "experts" Belhomme, Varinard and Couard.  the "dreyfus affair" would become "the Comcast Clusterfuck." france, herself, would be the irreligious USAmerican Corporate Conglomerate, i guess!

Would you allow me, in my gratitude for the benevolent reception that you gave me one day, to draw the attention of your rightful glory and to tell you that your star, so happy until now, is threatened by the most shameful and most ineffaceable of blemishes?

You have passed healthy and safe through base calumnies; you have conquered hearts. You appear radiant in the apotheosis of this patriotic festival that the Russian alliance was for France, and you prepare to preside over the solemn triumph of our World Fair, which will crown our great century of work, truth and freedom. But what a spot of mud on your name—I was going to say on your reign—is this abominable Dreyfus affair! A council of war, under order, has just dared to acquit Esterhazy, a great blow to all truth, all justice. And it is finished, France has this stain on her cheek, History will write that it was under your presidency that such a social crime could be committed[....]

 I accuse General De Pellieux and commander Ravary of performing a rogue investigation, by which I mean an investigation of the most monstrous partiality, of which we have, in the report of the second, an imperishable monument of naive audacity.

I accuse the three handwriting experts, sirs Belhomme, Varinard and Couard, of submitting untrue and fraudulent reports, unless a medical examination declares them to be affected by a disease of sight and judgment.

END OF EMAIL TO FRED

*****************************************************************

BEGINNING OF COMMENTARY ON FRANCE, AS THAT IS WHAT I AM OBSESSIVELY WATCHING ON COMCAST TELEVISION (despite our apparently nose-bleed inducing new rates!):


i MUST add: à bas Jean Marie et Marine Le Pen, aussi bien que le Front National.  Ça va sans le dire que nous condamnons l'extrémisme sous toutes les formes, y inclus les islamistes dit jihadistes --  faux et dégoûtants -- déguelasses -- qui m'ont fait vomir hier et encore une fois ce matin, mais ça, c'était pour la dernière fois, JAMAIS ENCORE...  (mais je suis incapable de ne rien dit, de cesser de parler, comme mon cher samuel beckett dit dessous...)

[ADDENDUM: these quotes of Beckett are part of the manifesto of my life, are my essential last will and testament, if i were to have a manifesto of my life and were my last will and testament not so redundant with the minutia of debts and investments and equity and gratitude.]

[i am close to another treatise on translation, as the Beckett quotes from his fiction were NOT translated by Beckett, when originating in the French, as he never did his own translating.  the French originals are much... truer, stronger?]

I pause to record that I feel in extraordinary form. Delirium perhaps.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Malone Dies
My mistakes are my life.
SAMUEL BECKETT, How It Is
Where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.
SAMUEL BECKETT, The Unnamable
There’s man all over for you, blaming on his boots the faults of his feet.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Waiting for Godot
In me there have always been two fools, among others, one asking nothing better than to stay where he is and the other imagining that life might be slightly less horrible a little further on.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Molloy
If by Godot I had meant God I would have said God, and not Godot.
SAMUEL BECKETT, The Essential Samuel Beckett: An Illustrated Biography
another story leave it dark no the same story not two stories leave it dark all the same like the rest a little darker a few words all the same a few old words like for the rest stop panting let it stop
SAMUEL BECKETT, How It Is
Ah, the old questions, the old answers, there's nothing like them!
SAMUEL BECKETT, Endgame
All this business of a labour to accomplish, before I can end, of words to say, a truth to recover, in order to say it, before I can end, of an imposed task, once known, long neglected, finally forgotten, to perform, before I can be done with speaking, done with listening, I invented it all, in the hope it would console me, help me to go on, allow me to think of myself as somewhere on a road, moving, between a beginning and an end, gaining ground, losing ground, getting lost, but somehow in the long run making headway.
SAMUEL BECKETT, The Unnamable
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
SAMUEL BECKETT, The Letters of Samuel Beckett
Yes, yes, it's the most comical thing in the world. And we laugh, we laugh, with a will, in the beginning. But it's always the same thing. Yes, it's like the funny story we have heard too often, we still find it funny, but we don't laugh any more.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Endgame
Tears and laughter, they are so much Gaelic to me.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Molloy
Deplorable mania, when something happens, to inquire what.
SAMUEL BECKETT, The Unnamable
Yesterday is not a milestone that has been passed, but a daystone on the beaten track of the years, and irremediably part of us, within us, heavy and dangerous. We are not merely more weary because of yesterday, we are other, no longer what we were before the calamity of yesterday.
SAMUEL BECKETT, "Proust", Samuel Beckett: Poems, Short Fiction, and Criticism
He who has waited long enough, will wait forever. And there comes the hour when nothing more can happen and nobody more can come and all is ended but the waiting that knows itself in vain.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Malone Dies
in reality we are one and all from the unthinkable first to the no less unthinkable last glued together in a vast imbrication of flesh without breach or fissure
SAMUEL BECKETT, How It Is
My life, my life, now I speak of it as of something over, now as of a joke which still goes on, and it is neither, for at the same time it is over and it goes on, and is there any tense for that? Watch wound and buried by the watchmaker, before he died, whose ruined works will one day speak of God, to the worms.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Molloy
The end is in the beginning and yet you go on.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Endgame
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Worstward Ho!
The fact is, it seems, that the most you can hope is to be a little less, in the end, the creature you were in the beginning, and the middle.
SAMUEL BECKETT, Molloy

(i must add, i cannot stop from adding, that i wish my gothic wonderland students had bothered to read, to really read, to think, to really think, the beckett i forced down leurs gueules de bois ... but no, they managed to decide, in an incident of mass hysteria, that en attendant godot was "about" homosexuality. no, i'm not kidding. those essays, taken with the berkeley student, a brilliant young man, who chose to write his first composition in the form of a suicide letter, were among the most horrific teaching moments of my career.)


© 2015 L. Ryan

Instructions to Fred as He Girds His Loins Before Contacting Comcast Customer Service

ADDENDUM:  for the latest in COMCAST shenanigans, see the next post from 9 january 2015 HERE.


As is sometimes the case, Dear Reader, you'll need to pay close squinty-eyed attention to the squirrelly language of this post.  I apologize, yet have found no way to share customer service stories without resort to reproduction of brain-bursting actual dialogues.  You will, perhaps, remember our efforts to restore refrigeration in the midst of a very hot series of days during a Manor Fest several years ago. That led to discovering the Queen of the Universe is actually a Supervisor at the local Tête de Hergé (West of the Lone Alp Region) Sears Customer Service Center.  Who knew?

But today, My Loves, we wish to share with you the derring-do of Comcast Customer Service.  Please note my careful avoidance of tired jokes, such as declaring "customer service" to be the height of oxymoronic phrasing.  I'm infinitely more respectful of Comcast than of Sears, for Comcast rules our internet access, even if only to the Computer Turret of Marlinspike Hall.  We pay for wifi -- in the form of the world's strongest router -- but due to the manifold construction intricacies of The Manor, are only able to access the signal in a far off, outer limit suite of medieval bedrooms, sky high in the Northwest Wing.

We also fork over money for television services, mostly for access to the Animal Planet channel, as the Feline Triumvirate is in lust for Jackson Galaxy on My Cat from Hell.  Sometimes we spot them taking notes in a steno pad, which can lead to disturbing experimentations. I confess to countering with Pit Bulls and Parolees and the goings-on at Villalobos Rescue Center.  Marmy and Buddy, Chief Instigators of All Manor Shenanigans, flee the television viewing area as soon as the first Pit Bull appears, but sweet Dobby (90% angel, 10% house elf) will try to purr and blink spasmodically at the dogs for a good quarter hour before the barking and muscular jaws defeat even his peacemaking dedication.  Yes, so... revenons à nos moutons...we pay for 140 channels or so, in order to have Animal Planet.

Today's post comes to you in the form of the email instructions I sent to Fred about this past weekend's chats with Rajat, Hazel, and Akanksha, three of Comcast's best agents.  Fred was so jealous, and my wretched hands so tired, that we decided to pass the consumer communication torch to Fred.  I may also have threatened to slit my wrists should I have to speak, in text or verbal format, with any Comcast personnel ever again.  The gleam in my beady eyes proved quite convincing, apparently.

So here are my instructions to the Good Fred, complete with accurate reproductions of the chat transcripts with Rajat, Hazel, and Akanksha, as well as the two "non-contracts" they came up with. Well, maybe there have been a few minor changes in account numbers and such, to protect Captain Haddock's personal information, though who would dare to "steal his identity" would be a tremendous thief, indeed!

*****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****    

my sign on info: profderien@tête-de-hergé.net

PW = Roland_Barthes_Milk_Truck

acct # 3987103922

MY LAST 4 = 0703

their customer service phone # = 1-800-XFINITY

(1-800-934-6489)

you know what our terms are, per captain haddock's instructions and allotted budget allowance: we CANNOT pay more than $100/month, including fees, taxes, and standard sexual favors. internet is most important, so if you HAVE TO ax the obscene number of television channels we receive, go right ahead. i do enjoy having a DVR, unfortunately, though i could give a royal bowel movement about HD reception, as i cannot tell the difference between SD and HD. please make sure they understand, as dear, perspicacious RAJAT so clearly did on saturday night, that we are not REALLY adding a phone to the triple play package and therefore do not require any special equipment for our imaginary phone usage. by the way, i hope that you and abbot truffatore thoroughly enjoyed the communion wine taste-testing, which so unexpectedly required 36 hours of apt attention. isn't it a grand thing that i am not a resentful, grudge-guarding person?

please don't agree to a service call unless you are willing to pay for it. captain haddock frowns on excess submarine dockings in the moat, especially when it's covered with 18 inches of algae-encrusted ice.

should the opportunity arise, please tell whomever comcast assigns you that i will see them in court for charges of First Degree Malicious Mean Nasty Duplicitous Fraud, the penalty for which is being shot in the knees with rat-shot ammo -- "Rat-shot is generally used for shooting at snakes, rodents, and other small animals at very close range." [wikipedia, that reliable source] 

rajat, hazel and akanksha, the three who assisted and assassinated me, are darned lucky i am a death penalty abolitionist.

lastly, please don't reference me as a gullible idiot to score points with the specialist/agent/representative with whom you speak today.  i get enough of that from the genetically indentured manor staff, though they've learned to throw their voices -- and i get enough of that from you, bianca castafiore, sven, and cabana boy, as well. what? do you think i am deaf as well as dumb?

okay, here is all the transcribed comcast info.  godspeed and please check in every hour or so, in case we need to send a rescue party.

text of conversation from saturday night with RAJAT, includes CONFIRMATION # OF MY NON-"CONTRACT." i went by "Lisa," as that is my legal first name.  you are cleared to proceed as "Fred," that being your legal first name.

user LISA has entered room

analyst Rajat has entered room

Rajat: Hello LISA_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Rajat. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Rajat: Hello! I hope your day is going well. Do read about the Comcast Customer Guarantee athttp://www.comcast.com/corporate/Customers/CustomerGuarantee.html

LISA_: My Issue: it is taking sometimes over 90 seconds for pages to load. my question is not how fast my service should be but how much SLOWER can it get?

Rajat: Hello Lisa.

Rajat: How are you today?

LISA_: fine, but very s l o w

Rajat: It is nice to see that you are fine.

Rajat: As I understand, you are having issue with your intenet connection?

LISA_: it just took over 4 minutes for a comcast page to load

LISA_: connection is fine, speed is ridiculous

Rajat: Lisa, I'm sorry to know that you are having issues with your Internet speed. I also rely on the Internet and would want to get the value of what I'm paying for. Rest assured that I will do everything within my means to address your concern today!

LISA_: my computer has no issues... thanks for addressing my concern,

Rajat: You are most welcome.

Rajat: Just to set your expectation, what I will do is to troubleshoot the problem with your internet connection and if it comes that we need to send a technician, I will schedule one of ours to troubleshoot the problem of your internet connection. I will ask you a few questions that will help me identify the cause of the issue. Does this sound okay to you?

LISA_: perhaps. could we start with what speed captain haddock's plan is supposed to provide?

Rajat: Lisa, I would like to inform you that as I have checked, you are using the Economy internet package in which you should get 3 mbps speed. As I have checked, you are paying $89/mo. Is that correct?

LISA_: i am paying 100 a month.

Rajat: Ohh I see.

LISA_: well, i guess this slow speed is reflective of the speed you promised.

Rajat: Lisa, I have found a wonderful deal which will give you the up grade your services in the same price you are paying now. The package name is Starter XF Triple Play; $99.99/mo.You will get 140+ Cable Channels and 50 mbps Internet Speed & Unlimited Nationwide Talk and Text.

Rajat: By up grading to this package, your internet speed will get double to 50 mbps in the same price which you are paying now.

Rajat: The best thing about this package is there is no agreement, you could make changes any time in the account and you would not be charged with any early termination fee!

LISA_: i cannot change our phone service provider, per the dictates of our employer, the world-reknowned captain haddock. he requires wormhole capacity and underwater clarity for his miniature submarine fleet.

Rajat: Lisa, I completely understand your concern. If you don't want to use the phone service then you can keep it on a hook and can continue to enjoy the up Graded internet speed and cable service in a same price.

Rajat: There is no need to attach the phone equipment.

LISA_: and in our experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly!

Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same.

LISA_: so we could actually only use 2 services and get the same price?

Rajat: Yes, that's absolutely correct!

LISA_: let's do it!

Rajat: Great!

Rajat: For account security & verification purpose, please provide the complete address where the services are installed.

LISA_: you are the first rep to ever explain that!

LISA_: 666 unplottable lane

LISA_: west-of-the-lone-alp, tête de hergé

Rajat: Thank you for providing that information.

Rajat: May I please know your Comcast account number or the last 4 digits of the SSN listed on the account for security & verification purpose?

LISA_: last 4 = 666&6

Rajat: Thank you for providing that information.

Rajat: Please allow me a minute.

Rajat: Thank you for patiently waiting.

LISA_: no problem

Rajat: Thank you for your order! To complete the process, please go to:http://www.comcast.com/eloa/English/tpv_e911_agreementEnter your Account Number, the Order Date, your Zip Code, and the Security Code and click Next to confirm your acceptance and complete your order. Please provide me the transaction Id starting from 3.

LISA_: 33017312413319

Rajat: Awesome!

Rajat: Thank you for providing that information.

Rajat: Good news! I can see here that you can install the services yourself by taking advantage of our Self Installation kits. This gives you the freedom to setup your services at your most convenient time without having to wait for our technicians to do the installation for you. The best part is I can ship it directly to your haddock family manor for a nominal shipping fee. Regular Shipping charge are $30.00 however as you are a genuine customer so that I am able to reduce it to $09.95(one time charge) for you. Charges would be added in your next month bill. It will only be a one time charge.

LISA_: OK

Rajat: Great!

LISA_: so i will need to swap out the router?

Rajat: Lisa, I am happy to inform you that I have successfully processed the order for you. Here is you order confirmation number is 102105866690207

Rajat: Yes, I will send you the self installation including the required equipments with the step by step instructions so that you will be easile able to install the kit. I will send you the up graded modem so that you can experience good speed and better connectivity.

THIS IS A COPY OF "AGREEMENT" SENT THE NEXT DAY BY COMCAST:

The changes that you requested will be made. Here's what you need to know.

We'll see you soon

Questions? How to prepare for install | Reschedule your installation For Self-Install Kit Orders, an additional email will be sent when your equipment has shipped.

Here's a quick summary of your order Name: Lisa Retired Educator, on behalf of Captain Haddock Xfinity Bundled Services Starter XF $149.95 Promotional Rate 1 Months $-50.95 Xfinity TV HD/DVR Converter $8.00 HD Technology Fee $0.00 Service Discount 1 Months Xfinity Internet Blast $0.00 Xfinity Voice TN Package $0.00 Phone Modem $9.00 Partial Monthly Charges and Credits  01/06-02/02 Starter XF $135.41  01/06-02/02 Promotional Rate 1 Months $-45.96  01/06-02/02 Digital Starter $-40.63  01/06-01/05 Term Agreement APPLIES $0.00  01/06-02/02 Blast $0.00  01/06-02/02 Modem Lease $-8.12  01/06-02/02 Economy Plus $-27.05  01/06-02/02 TN Package $0.00  01/06-02/02 Phone Modem $8.12 One-Time Installation Charges Standard Shipping $9.95 Self Install Kit $0.00 Promotional Rate Self Install Kit $0.00 Promotional Rate Other Charges & Credits Monthly Package, Service and Equipment Fees $137.77 One-Time Installation Charges $9.95 Taxes, Surcharges and Fees $13.37 Estimated Total $161.09

fred, at that point, i paid the bill early online for $99.55, the captain's approved and budgeted current rate, before it could be changed -- and cancelled their access to automatic payment. 

A COPY OF HAZEL AND AKANKSHA'S CHAT FROM YESTERDAY, FOLLOWED BY THE NEW "CONTRACT," TO WHICH I AT NO TIME AGREED. NOTE THE LACK OF A CONFIRMATION NUMBER. 

YOU STRESSED TO ME, UNDER THE SANCTIFIED INFLUENCE OF COMMUNION WINE AND CISTERCIANS MALT LIQUOR, THAT "THEY ALL LIE," AND THAT I AM A GULLIBLE "MARK," BUT PLEASE DON'T REMIND ME OF THAT AGAIN.  EVER. NEVER, EVER AGAIN. 

SERIOUSLY, FRED. NOT EVEN USING YOUR INIMITABLE POWERS OF VENTRILOQUISM. JUST DON'T.

Transcript

LISA_: My Issue: YESTERDAY, was told monthly bill wld remain $100 with switch to new service. TODAY am told the deal is a 1-month promotional rate. which is the truth?

user LISA has entered room

analyst Hazel has entered room

Hazel: Hello LISA_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Hazel. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Hazel: Happy Holidays! Glad to have you on chat today.

LISA_: text from previous chat, just last evening: 

"LISA_: and in my experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly! 

Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same."

Hazel: Hi Lisa.

LISA_: hello

Hazel: I understand that you would like to confirm on the new plan upgrade you had on how much your monthly fee for it be.

Hazel: I am here to make sure we have your bill charges clarified Lisa.

Hazel: I know how important it is to always have a clear understanding of each item on your bill and make sure you are billed correctly. We know that this can really be a challenge at times, I'll be more than glad to check the information for you to get each it

Hazel: Let me pull up your account first.

Hazel: I can see here you have already logged in via our Comcast website which means there will be no need for us to proceed to a verification process, thank you for that! I am now checking on your account and bills. One moment please.

Hazel: While waiting for the system to generate your account details, let me share with you Comcast Alerts. You can now stay up-to-date on your account with email bill notifications and text commands. You can register your mobile number through this link:http://www.comcast.com/alerts/

Hazel: Lisa, as I was checking on the new plan upgrade you had you were given of the Starter Triple Play bundle at $99/month rate.

LISA_: is that rate for one month only?

Hazel: Your new monthly will only be $99+$8 modem rent fee = $107/month before taxes.

Hazel: This will be for 24 months fixed rate Lisa.

LISA_: what about what i was told YESTERDAY? 

"LISA_: and in my experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly! 

Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same."

Hazel: I guarantee you that what was promised will be at a fixed rate Lisa.

Hazel: The plan is at $99/month for 24 months.

LISA_: i was told 99 TOTAL "i can assure you the price will not increase"!??

Hazel: This package has a 2 years agreement to make sure that your price will be locked in.

LISA_: quote: "Rajat: The best thing about this package is there is no agreement, you could make changes any time in the account and you would not be charged with any early termination fee!"

Hazel: Oh my, hold on let me check and verify it.

Hazel: I am sorry to hear about that Lisa.

LISA_: sorry? to hear what? which is TRUE TODAY?

Hazel: As I was checking on the pending work order, the plan that was processed was at $99/month with 2 years contract.

LISA_: this is why we are frustrated over and over with comcast. agents say what is convenient at the time and reality proves different, there is NO accountability

Hazel: To verify you had not agreed to the plan with contract?

LISA_: well, reprocess it as it was OFFERED to me! can that be done?

LISA_: you read what rajat told me

Hazel: Hold on let me chek on what I can do.

Hazel: I am truly sorry for the hassle you had been through.

Hazel: Thank you for patiently waiting.

Hazel: Lisa, for us to have the plan offered to you repackage, I will be connecting you to our partners in the Sales Department who can best have the current plan reprocessed.

Hazel: The information you provided me will also be forwarded to them for reference. Sales team will still need to check your eligibility. They can also recommend other options for you. Are there any other issues with your services regarding billing problems that I can address before I transfer this chat?

LISA_: no.

Hazel: You will see a message that says I have “left the room”; however, you will still be connected to the next available Sales agent. Please stay online and connected to the chat for the next agent who will assist you as soon as possible.

Hazel: Please stay online and an analyst will take care of your concern. Thank you.

Hazel: I will connect you now.

Hazel: Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

user LISA has entered room

analyst Akanksha has entered room

LISA_: My Issue: YESTERDAY, was told monthly bill wld remain $100 with switch to new service. TODAY am told the deal is a 1-month promotional rate. which is the truth?

Waiting for response from Hazel

Akanksha: You have reached in Transition Department and we appreciate you are giving us a chance to resolve your concern today. I hope you are doing great today!

analyst Hazel has left room

LISA_: i would like to reconcile the promises made by agent rajat last night for our new service and the surprising new reality i found today...

Akanksha: I will certainly help you with that.

Akanksha: Please allow me a moment while I go through your conversation with the previous representative. That won’t be too long.

Akanksha: Thank you for patiently waiting.

Akanksha: Based on your conversation with the previous representative I understood that you are looking to get correct package however you got package with agreement

LISA_: i want the "package" as represented in writing by rajat last night -- i would not have agreed to it but for his representation.

Akanksha: Please allow me a minute or two to pull up your account details

LISA_: sure

Akanksha: Thank you.

LISA_: "Rajat: Lisa, I have found a wonderful deal which will give you the up grade your services in the same price you are paying now. The package name is Starter XF Triple Play; $99.99/mo.You will get 140+ Cable Channels and 50 mbps Internet Speed & Unlimited Nationwide Talk and Text. Rajat: By up grading to this package, your internet speed will get double to 50 mbps in the same price which you are paying now. Rajat: The best thing about this package is there is no agreement, you could make changes any time in the account and you would not be charged with any early termination fee! LISA_: and in my experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly! Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same."

Akanksha: Lisa,I apologies I have checked and can see that the package Starter triple play is added at $99.99 with contract

Akanksha: Lisa, You need not to worry Could you please confirm do you want to continue the same?

LISA_: i don't understand your question.

Akanksha: I want to know that do you want to cancel package?

Akanksha: Also i have checked and can see that we have same deal Starter triple play without contract at $89.9 with 50 mbps of speed

LISA_: i want what was promised -- a monthly bill no higher than $100, no required agreement, with the services offered

LISA_: without contract -- does that mean comcast can cancel the "deal" at any time? or is it up to Captain Haddock when to cancel?

Akanksha: Yes, It is upto the Honorable Captain when ever you want to cancel you can cancel it

LISA_: what are the specific services -- the same as what rajat represented?

LISA_: sorry -- i've been burned now too many times

LISA_: i know you are trying to help!

Akanksha: Lisa, Let me check the details I will give you complete detaisl

Akanksha: While I am looking up your account may I place you on a quick hold for 2 to 5 minutes.

LISA_: yes

Akanksha: Thank you for patiently waiting.

Akanksha: Lisa, I have great news for you

Akanksha: We have Starter triple play with 140+channels with BLast speed and unlimited calling at $89.99/mo for 12 months after 12 months it would be $124.99 and after 24 months it would be $149.99

LISA_: that's not great news.

LISA_: i am stuck with the current contract, then?

Akanksha: No you are not I am here and cancel the contract for you

Akanksha: Lisa, Let me inform you that Codes are still not active in your account

LISA_: i don't want what you offered... it's worse than the contract rajat conned me into!

LISA_: i will stick with that bad faith offer. but i won't pay over 100,

LISA_: i can't stand this deceit any longer.

LISA_: did i tell you to do that? what happened to "Also i have checked and can see that we have same deal Starter triple play without contract at $89.9 with 50 mbps of speed"

Akanksha: Lisa, This is the same deal I am giving you the detail of the package

LISA_: no, that is a lie. return to the rotten package from rajat. and you all need to stop lying and misleading customers.

Akanksha: Lisa, Ehy would I give you misinformation when I know my chat can be auditted any time and it would be against my job, Lisa

LISA_: "without contract"

LISA_: return me to the original 107 + tax which i am sure will become higher, despite written evidence to the contrary. i am signing off. i will pay 100 a month.

THIS IS A COPY OF THE NEW "AGREEMENT" JUST SENT BY COMCAST:

Help & Support  |  My Account

The changes that you requested will be made. Here's what you need to know.

We'll see you soon

Questions? How to prepare for install | Reschedule your installation For Self-Install Kit Orders, an additional email will be sent when your equipment has shipped.

Here's a quick summary of your order Name: Lisa RETIRED EDUCATOR Xfinity Bundled Services Starter XF $149.95 Promotional Rate 12 Months $-60.95 Xfinity TV HD/DVR Converter $8.00 HD Technology Fee $0.00 Service Discount 1 Months Xfinity Internet Blast $0.00 Xfinity Voice TN Package $0.00 Phone Modem $9.00 Partial Monthly Charges and Credits  01/08-02/02 Starter XF $125.73  01/08-02/02 Promotional Rate 12 Months $-51.06  01/08-02/02 Digital Starter $-18.88  01/08-02/02 Digital Starter $0.00  01/08-02/02 Digital Converter $-2.09  01/08-02/02 Limited Basic $-26.79  01/08-02/02 Blast $0.00  01/08-02/02 Modem Lease $-7.54  01/08-02/02 Economy Plus $-25.11  01/08-02/02 TN Package $0.00  01/08-02/02 Phone Modem $7.54 One-Time Installation Charges Standard Shipping $9.95 Self Install Kit $0.00 Promotional Rate Other Charges & Credits Monthly Package, Service and Equipment Fees $107.80 One-Time Installation Charges $9.95 Taxes, Surcharges and Fees $11.92 Estimated Total $129.67

Godspeed, Dear Fred. Godspeed.

© 2015 L. Ryan