As is sometimes the case, Dear Reader, you'll need to pay close squinty-eyed attention to the squirrelly language of this post. I apologize, yet have found no way to share customer service stories without resort to reproduction of brain-bursting actual dialogues. You will, perhaps, remember our efforts to restore refrigeration in the midst of a very hot series of days during a Manor Fest several years ago. That led to discovering the Queen of the Universe is actually a Supervisor at the local Tête de Hergé (West of the Lone Alp Region) Sears Customer Service Center. Who knew?
But today, My Loves, we wish to share with you the derring-do of Comcast Customer Service. Please note my careful avoidance of tired jokes, such as declaring "customer service" to be the height of oxymoronic phrasing. I'm infinitely more respectful of Comcast than of Sears, for Comcast rules our internet access, even if only to the Computer Turret of Marlinspike Hall. We pay for wifi -- in the form of the world's strongest router -- but due to the manifold construction intricacies of The Manor, are only able to access the signal in a far off, outer limit suite of medieval bedrooms, sky high in the Northwest Wing.
We also fork over money for television services, mostly for access to the Animal Planet channel, as the Feline Triumvirate is in lust for Jackson Galaxy on My Cat from Hell. Sometimes we spot them taking notes in a steno pad, which can lead to disturbing experimentations. I confess to countering with Pit Bulls and Parolees and the goings-on at Villalobos Rescue Center. Marmy and Buddy, Chief Instigators of All Manor Shenanigans, flee the television viewing area as soon as the first Pit Bull appears, but sweet Dobby (90% angel, 10% house elf) will try to purr and blink spasmodically at the dogs for a good quarter hour before the barking and muscular jaws defeat even his peacemaking dedication. Yes, so... revenons à nos moutons...we pay for 140 channels or so, in order to have Animal Planet.
Today's post comes to you in the form of the email instructions I sent to Fred about this past weekend's chats with Rajat, Hazel, and Akanksha, three of Comcast's best agents. Fred was so jealous, and my wretched hands so tired, that we decided to pass the consumer communication torch to Fred. I may also have threatened to slit my wrists should I have to speak, in text or verbal format, with any Comcast personnel ever again. The gleam in my beady eyes proved quite convincing, apparently.
So here are my instructions to the Good Fred, complete with accurate reproductions of the chat transcripts with Rajat, Hazel, and Akanksha, as well as the two "non-contracts" they came up with. Well, maybe there have been a few minor changes in account numbers and such, to protect Captain Haddock's personal information, though who would dare to "steal his identity" would be a tremendous thief, indeed!
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
my sign on info: profderien@tête-de-hergé.net
PW = Roland_Barthes_Milk_Truck
acct # 3987103922
MY LAST 4 = 0703
their customer service phone # = 1-800-XFINITY
(1-800-934-6489)
you know what our terms are, per captain haddock's instructions and allotted budget allowance: we CANNOT pay more than $100/month, including fees, taxes, and standard sexual favors. internet is most important, so if you HAVE TO ax the obscene number of television channels we receive, go right ahead. i do enjoy having a DVR, unfortunately, though i could give a royal bowel movement about HD reception, as i cannot tell the difference between SD and HD. please make sure they understand, as dear, perspicacious RAJAT so clearly did on saturday night, that we are not REALLY adding a phone to the triple play package and therefore do not require any special equipment for our imaginary phone usage. by the way, i hope that you and abbot truffatore thoroughly enjoyed the communion wine taste-testing, which so unexpectedly required 36 hours of apt attention. isn't it a grand thing that i am not a resentful, grudge-guarding person?
please don't agree to a service call unless you are willing to pay for it. captain haddock frowns on excess submarine dockings in the moat, especially when it's covered with 18 inches of algae-encrusted ice.
should the opportunity arise, please tell whomever comcast assigns you that i will see them in court for charges of First Degree Malicious Mean Nasty Duplicitous Fraud, the penalty for which is being shot in the knees with rat-shot ammo -- "Rat-shot is generally used for shooting at snakes, rodents, and other small animals at very close range." [wikipedia, that reliable source]
rajat, hazel and akanksha, the three who assisted and assassinated me, are darned lucky i am a death penalty abolitionist.
lastly, please don't reference me as a gullible idiot to score points with the specialist/agent/
okay, here is all the transcribed comcast info. godspeed and please check in every hour or so, in case we need to send a rescue party.
text of conversation from saturday night with RAJAT, includes CONFIRMATION # OF MY NON-"CONTRACT." i went by "Lisa," as that is my legal first name. you are cleared to proceed as "Fred," that being your legal first name.
user LISA has entered room
analyst Rajat has entered room
Rajat: Hello LISA_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Rajat. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Rajat: Hello! I hope your day is going well. Do read about the Comcast Customer Guarantee athttp://www.comcast.com/
LISA_: My Issue: it is taking sometimes over 90 seconds for pages to load. my question is not how fast my service should be but how much SLOWER can it get?
Rajat: Hello Lisa.
Rajat: How are you today?
LISA_: fine, but very s l o w
Rajat: It is nice to see that you are fine.
Rajat: As I understand, you are having issue with your intenet connection?
LISA_: it just took over 4 minutes for a comcast page to load
LISA_: connection is fine, speed is ridiculous
Rajat: Lisa, I'm sorry to know that you are having issues with your Internet speed. I also rely on the Internet and would want to get the value of what I'm paying for. Rest assured that I will do everything within my means to address your concern today!
LISA_: my computer has no issues... thanks for addressing my concern,
Rajat: You are most welcome.
Rajat: Just to set your expectation, what I will do is to troubleshoot the problem with your internet connection and if it comes that we need to send a technician, I will schedule one of ours to troubleshoot the problem of your internet connection. I will ask you a few questions that will help me identify the cause of the issue. Does this sound okay to you?
LISA_: perhaps. could we start with what speed captain haddock's plan is supposed to provide?
Rajat: Lisa, I would like to inform you that as I have checked, you are using the Economy internet package in which you should get 3 mbps speed. As I have checked, you are paying $89/mo. Is that correct?
LISA_: i am paying 100 a month.
Rajat: Ohh I see.
LISA_: well, i guess this slow speed is reflective of the speed you promised.
Rajat: Lisa, I have found a wonderful deal which will give you the up grade your services in the same price you are paying now. The package name is Starter XF Triple Play; $99.99/mo.You will get 140+ Cable Channels and 50 mbps Internet Speed & Unlimited Nationwide Talk and Text.
Rajat: By up grading to this package, your internet speed will get double to 50 mbps in the same price which you are paying now.
Rajat: The best thing about this package is there is no agreement, you could make changes any time in the account and you would not be charged with any early termination fee!
LISA_: i cannot change our phone service provider, per the dictates of our employer, the world-reknowned captain haddock. he requires wormhole capacity and underwater clarity for his miniature submarine fleet.
Rajat: Lisa, I completely understand your concern. If you don't want to use the phone service then you can keep it on a hook and can continue to enjoy the up Graded internet speed and cable service in a same price.
Rajat: There is no need to attach the phone equipment.
LISA_: and in our experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly!
Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same.
LISA_: so we could actually only use 2 services and get the same price?
Rajat: Yes, that's absolutely correct!
LISA_: let's do it!
Rajat: Great!
Rajat: For account security & verification purpose, please provide the complete address where the services are installed.
LISA_: you are the first rep to ever explain that!
LISA_: 666 unplottable lane
LISA_: west-of-the-lone-alp, tête de hergé
Rajat: Thank you for providing that information.
Rajat: May I please know your Comcast account number or the last 4 digits of the SSN listed on the account for security & verification purpose?
LISA_: last 4 = 666&6
Rajat: Thank you for providing that information.
Rajat: Please allow me a minute.
Rajat: Thank you for patiently waiting.
LISA_: no problem
Rajat: Thank you for your order! To complete the process, please go to:http://www.comcast.com/
LISA_: 33017312413319
Rajat: Awesome!
Rajat: Thank you for providing that information.
Rajat: Good news! I can see here that you can install the services yourself by taking advantage of our Self Installation kits. This gives you the freedom to setup your services at your most convenient time without having to wait for our technicians to do the installation for you. The best part is I can ship it directly to your haddock family manor for a nominal shipping fee. Regular Shipping charge are $30.00 however as you are a genuine customer so that I am able to reduce it to $09.95(one time charge) for you. Charges would be added in your next month bill. It will only be a one time charge.
LISA_: OK
Rajat: Great!
LISA_: so i will need to swap out the router?
Rajat: Lisa, I am happy to inform you that I have successfully processed the order for you. Here is you order confirmation number is 102105866690207
Rajat: Yes, I will send you the self installation including the required equipments with the step by step instructions so that you will be easile able to install the kit. I will send you the up graded modem so that you can experience good speed and better connectivity.
THIS IS A COPY OF "AGREEMENT" SENT THE NEXT DAY BY COMCAST:
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fred, at that point, i paid the bill early online for $99.55, the captain's approved and budgeted current rate, before it could be changed -- and cancelled their access to automatic payment.
A COPY OF HAZEL AND AKANKSHA'S CHAT FROM YESTERDAY, FOLLOWED BY THE NEW "CONTRACT," TO WHICH I AT NO TIME AGREED. NOTE THE LACK OF A CONFIRMATION NUMBER.
YOU STRESSED TO ME, UNDER THE SANCTIFIED INFLUENCE OF COMMUNION WINE AND CISTERCIANS MALT LIQUOR, THAT "THEY ALL LIE," AND THAT I AM A GULLIBLE "MARK," BUT PLEASE DON'T REMIND ME OF THAT AGAIN. EVER. NEVER, EVER AGAIN.
SERIOUSLY, FRED. NOT EVEN USING YOUR INIMITABLE POWERS OF VENTRILOQUISM. JUST DON'T.
Transcript
LISA_: My Issue: YESTERDAY, was told monthly bill wld remain $100 with switch to new service. TODAY am told the deal is a 1-month promotional rate. which is the truth?
user LISA has entered room
analyst Hazel has entered room
Hazel: Hello LISA_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Hazel. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Hazel: Happy Holidays! Glad to have you on chat today.
LISA_: text from previous chat, just last evening:
"LISA_: and in my experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly!
Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same."
Hazel: Hi Lisa.
LISA_: hello
Hazel: I understand that you would like to confirm on the new plan upgrade you had on how much your monthly fee for it be.
Hazel: I am here to make sure we have your bill charges clarified Lisa.
Hazel: I know how important it is to always have a clear understanding of each item on your bill and make sure you are billed correctly. We know that this can really be a challenge at times, I'll be more than glad to check the information for you to get each it
Hazel: Let me pull up your account first.
Hazel: I can see here you have already logged in via our Comcast website which means there will be no need for us to proceed to a verification process, thank you for that! I am now checking on your account and bills. One moment please.
Hazel: While waiting for the system to generate your account details, let me share with you Comcast Alerts. You can now stay up-to-date on your account with email bill notifications and text commands. You can register your mobile number through this link:http://www.comcast.com/
Hazel: Lisa, as I was checking on the new plan upgrade you had you were given of the Starter Triple Play bundle at $99/month rate.
LISA_: is that rate for one month only?
Hazel: Your new monthly will only be $99+$8 modem rent fee = $107/month before taxes.
Hazel: This will be for 24 months fixed rate Lisa.
LISA_: what about what i was told YESTERDAY?
"LISA_: and in my experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly!
Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same."
Hazel: I guarantee you that what was promised will be at a fixed rate Lisa.
Hazel: The plan is at $99/month for 24 months.
LISA_: i was told 99 TOTAL "i can assure you the price will not increase"!??
Hazel: This package has a 2 years agreement to make sure that your price will be locked in.
LISA_: quote: "Rajat: The best thing about this package is there is no agreement, you could make changes any time in the account and you would not be charged with any early termination fee!"
Hazel: Oh my, hold on let me check and verify it.
Hazel: I am sorry to hear about that Lisa.
LISA_: sorry? to hear what? which is TRUE TODAY?
Hazel: As I was checking on the pending work order, the plan that was processed was at $99/month with 2 years contract.
LISA_: this is why we are frustrated over and over with comcast. agents say what is convenient at the time and reality proves different, there is NO accountability
Hazel: To verify you had not agreed to the plan with contract?
LISA_: well, reprocess it as it was OFFERED to me! can that be done?
LISA_: you read what rajat told me
Hazel: Hold on let me chek on what I can do.
Hazel: I am truly sorry for the hassle you had been through.
Hazel: Thank you for patiently waiting.
Hazel: Lisa, for us to have the plan offered to you repackage, I will be connecting you to our partners in the Sales Department who can best have the current plan reprocessed.
Hazel: The information you provided me will also be forwarded to them for reference. Sales team will still need to check your eligibility. They can also recommend other options for you. Are there any other issues with your services regarding billing problems that I can address before I transfer this chat?
LISA_: no.
Hazel: You will see a message that says I have “left the room”; however, you will still be connected to the next available Sales agent. Please stay online and connected to the chat for the next agent who will assist you as soon as possible.
Hazel: Please stay online and an analyst will take care of your concern. Thank you.
Hazel: I will connect you now.
Hazel: Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst
user LISA has entered room
analyst Akanksha has entered room
LISA_: My Issue: YESTERDAY, was told monthly bill wld remain $100 with switch to new service. TODAY am told the deal is a 1-month promotional rate. which is the truth?
Waiting for response from Hazel
Akanksha: You have reached in Transition Department and we appreciate you are giving us a chance to resolve your concern today. I hope you are doing great today!
analyst Hazel has left room
LISA_: i would like to reconcile the promises made by agent rajat last night for our new service and the surprising new reality i found today...
Akanksha: I will certainly help you with that.
Akanksha: Please allow me a moment while I go through your conversation with the previous representative. That won’t be too long.
Akanksha: Thank you for patiently waiting.
Akanksha: Based on your conversation with the previous representative I understood that you are looking to get correct package however you got package with agreement
LISA_: i want the "package" as represented in writing by rajat last night -- i would not have agreed to it but for his representation.
Akanksha: Please allow me a minute or two to pull up your account details
LISA_: sure
Akanksha: Thank you.
LISA_: "Rajat: Lisa, I have found a wonderful deal which will give you the up grade your services in the same price you are paying now. The package name is Starter XF Triple Play; $99.99/mo.You will get 140+ Cable Channels and 50 mbps Internet Speed & Unlimited Nationwide Talk and Text. Rajat: By up grading to this package, your internet speed will get double to 50 mbps in the same price which you are paying now. Rajat: The best thing about this package is there is no agreement, you could make changes any time in the account and you would not be charged with any early termination fee! LISA_: and in my experience with comcast -- 99.99 will become 120 somehow, very quickly! Rajat: No, I can assure you that the price will not increase. It will be same."
Akanksha: Lisa,I apologies I have checked and can see that the package Starter triple play is added at $99.99 with contract
Akanksha: Lisa, You need not to worry Could you please confirm do you want to continue the same?
LISA_: i don't understand your question.
Akanksha: I want to know that do you want to cancel package?
Akanksha: Also i have checked and can see that we have same deal Starter triple play without contract at $89.9 with 50 mbps of speed
LISA_: i want what was promised -- a monthly bill no higher than $100, no required agreement, with the services offered
LISA_: without contract -- does that mean comcast can cancel the "deal" at any time? or is it up to Captain Haddock when to cancel?
Akanksha: Yes, It is upto the Honorable Captain when ever you want to cancel you can cancel it
LISA_: what are the specific services -- the same as what rajat represented?
LISA_: sorry -- i've been burned now too many times
LISA_: i know you are trying to help!
Akanksha: Lisa, Let me check the details I will give you complete detaisl
Akanksha: While I am looking up your account may I place you on a quick hold for 2 to 5 minutes.
LISA_: yes
Akanksha: Thank you for patiently waiting.
Akanksha: Lisa, I have great news for you
Akanksha: We have Starter triple play with 140+channels with BLast speed and unlimited calling at $89.99/mo for 12 months after 12 months it would be $124.99 and after 24 months it would be $149.99
LISA_: that's not great news.
LISA_: i am stuck with the current contract, then?
Akanksha: No you are not I am here and cancel the contract for you
Akanksha: Lisa, Let me inform you that Codes are still not active in your account
LISA_: i don't want what you offered... it's worse than the contract rajat conned me into!
LISA_: i will stick with that bad faith offer. but i won't pay over 100,
LISA_: i can't stand this deceit any longer.
LISA_: did i tell you to do that? what happened to "Also i have checked and can see that we have same deal Starter triple play without contract at $89.9 with 50 mbps of speed"
Akanksha: Lisa, This is the same deal I am giving you the detail of the package
LISA_: no, that is a lie. return to the rotten package from rajat. and you all need to stop lying and misleading customers.
Akanksha: Lisa, Ehy would I give you misinformation when I know my chat can be auditted any time and it would be against my job, Lisa
LISA_: "without contract"
LISA_: return me to the original 107 + tax which i am sure will become higher, despite written evidence to the contrary. i am signing off. i will pay 100 a month.
THIS IS A COPY OF THE NEW "AGREEMENT" JUST SENT BY COMCAST:
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Godspeed, Dear Fred. Godspeed.
© 2015 L. Ryan
Hi there, I'm not sure if this instance is your specific scenario or not but if you could pass along the message to the affected bodies, that would be greatly appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI work for Comcast's customer service digital media team and am interested in making sure your concerns are properly addressed. Please feel free to shoot me an email at Cassie_Hart@comcast.com with a link to this post so that I may assist.
Thanks for posting and bringing this to my attention.
Kind Regards,
Comcast Cassie