C-R-A-C-K!No, this is not the obligatory Retired Educator's take on cocaine. Rather, it is the Retired Educator's take on the ignominious: how being killed while seated on the toilet is a bugger of a notion.
Fred sat on one toilet, crossword in hand. I sat on another, thumbing through the latest Rolling Stone.
There came the aforementioned
C-R-A-C-K. With a large elm tree attached. Fred, ever fleet of foot, flew out of his bathroom, pants around ankles, a significant portion of himself nekkid as a jay bird.
I just sat there. Fleet of foot? Ha! Not hardly. The door flew open, a wide-eyed and partly nekkid Fred stood babbling before me.
"Go check on La Belle Bianca and The Felines!" I ordered, in my best stentorian... and began the task of putting myself back together and in my wheelchair -- a task most easily done without assistance.
Oh, I could kiss his fleet feet! The elm had definite designs on him and his toilet. It crashed through the roof between that bathroom and the dining room, also taking out a good section of the back porch.
La Belle Bianca refused to budge, and declined the invitation to get up and see the fallen tree or the damage: "Espèce de nain insolite!" (Very impolite, as well as impolitic! And hardly a fair déclamation -- Fred is in no way a nain! She got it from me. Ah, but then, I use her "Sacré bordel" with authoritative frequency, alors on est quitte.)
The felines were all safely ensconced in my dirty clothes hamper, huddled close together, giving community-binding licks to spare ears and eyes, emitting a hum that wasn't quite a purr.
The call to State Farm went off without a hitch -- so-and-so who does such-and-such will be dispatched in a few hours.
Now if someone would just inform Mother Nature to take a break from the sudden showers and storms. These trees are drought-damaged and cannot take the sudden influx of water. When we have this tree removed, we will pick out the next likely offender and have that cut as well.
I wouldn't mind any of this so much had Google made its Q2 earnings.
La Belle Bianca Castafiore may have to start paying rent.
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