Best Alibi

I am abed.

Which is a great deal better than "I am a bed," of course, of course.
(As the bad poet in me cries out, "a horse! a horse!" *)

Yes, I am high on ibuprofen.

While abed, I am watching hour after hour of Law & Order. I hope to snag a passerby who can hand me the remote so as to rectify the situation, but in the interim, in this very mean, mean time? It is Law & Order or nothing.

Okay, Detective Lennie Briscoe is questioning a suspect, trying to establish where he was at the time of a murder. It's a cold case; The murder happened way back in 1981**. Even so, the guy barely bats an eye before coming up with this, my new favorite alibi:

I was buying a recliner with my ex-wife.

Okay, maybe you had to be there. Or here.

I like it, and am filing it away for possible use the next time I am being beat with a wet noodle under a swinging, bare lightbulb. Go ahead and laugh. You won't be laughing when you get tossed in the clink, the penitentiary, the pen, the pokey, jail, slammer, clink -- all for lack of a decent alibi! In anticipation of my eventual arrest, I am also reading How Police Interrogation Works, which is chock full of helpful suggestions, insider tips, and even friendly decorating advice.

The physical layout of an interrogation room is designed to maximize a suspect's discomfort and sense of powerlessness from the moment he steps inside. The classic interrogation manual "Criminal Interrogation and Confessions" recommends a small, soundproof room with only three chairs (two for detectives, one for the suspect) and a desk, with nothing on the walls. This creates a sense of exposure, unfamiliarity and isolation, heightening the suspect's "get me out of here" sensation throughout the interrogation.

I think -- and Martha Stewart, with her wealth of life experience, backs me up --
that every home should be outfitted with a chic little interrogation room of its own. Think of the possibilities! Perfect for interviewing lying teenagers, or even the odd stray tween! Ideal for the in-laws or other unwanted guests! The only place to be for wine and cheese with a wayward spouse...

* A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And no one can talk to a horse of course
That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse
He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.
He's always on a steady course.
Talk to Mister Ed.

People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse.
You never heard of a talking horse?

Well listen to this: "I'm Mister Ed."

**This episode, Amends [2000], was "ripped from the headlines," being a legible reference to the Martha Moxley murder, the Michael Skakel case. Skakel was recently denied a new trial, which one hopes is the final insult to Ms. Moxley. In this television version, the victim is Mary Beth Mosely and the defendant, Michael Sarno.