Tuesday, February 1, 2011

dear, darling kate

when news was not joyously swift in coming after kate mcrae's mri today, i think everyone in her extended network knew that the news was not good.

from her caringbridge update:

Never have words been more difficult to pen. Never have our hearts felt the angst of pain quite like today. I hoped to never write these words. I prayed that our hearts would never feel this torment. However, today, we received devastating news. There are new spots on the MRI, at least one on the other side of our daughter's brain.

The all too familiar feeling of nausea followed by haziness settled over our bodies. We vasalated between bouts of sobbing and looks of disbelief. We felt trapped in a horrific nightmare until the sound of small sobs shook us loose. Our sweet Kate was huddled up on the table sobbing into her arm. Her little body shook for about half an hour. Tears of pain, and fear letting loose. She was scared. Our baby was scared and all we could do was hold her.

Through the tears Kate slowly got out the words, "why". "Why daddy, why? Why hasn't Jesus healed me?" The sound of heartbroken sobs all that could escape from her daddy's lips. Crys of pain.

I have rarely felt angry this past year and a half. About every other emotion under the sun, but not very often anger. Today I was angry. I had promised Kate we would swim with dolphins together. We had dreamed of Hawaii together. We have so many plans. And yet now this. Words could never detail the hurt.

So tonight we sit in disbelief, or horror may be more accurate. We had gone into the MRI very hopeful. She was making gains on all ends. She had no obvious symptoms. We had one of our favorite anesthesiologists for the scan. She held Kate in her arms and sang to her as she held the mask over her face and put her to sleep. I was so grateful she cared for my baby. After the MRI we saw her again. I struggle not to try and interpret everyones body language after a scan. However, her eyes were watering. She said it must be allergies. My heart suddenly felt the icy grip of fear, what if something was seen. I tried to dissuade the feeling, the panic, for the next few hours.

Our meeting with the neurosurgeon relayed the devastating news. We cried until the meeting with Kate's oncologist.

Tomorrow the tumor board will discuss her scan and the best way to determine wether or not it is definitely cancer. Most likely Kate will be undergoing a PET scan as soon as possible. They will also be discussing the best possible route for us to take if it is tumor. They will be contacting institutions around the country for open studies, and anything that could possibly hold some hope for treating a recurrance.

We are crushed. Kate is heartbroken. And we need God's miraculous intervention. Please pray. Please ask others to pray for our sweet baby. I know she is one child among many battling. But she is our daughter, and she is a sister, and a niece, and a granddaugther. Please pray that God would spare her from this disease. Please.

Please pray that after further investigation they would determine it not to be tumor. We understand the likelyhood of that is slim. But please pray. Please intercede on our behalf.

Things will be moving quite quickly, we hope, as if this would be tumor, time is not in our favor.

as i have mentioned before, caringbridge is such a great "place" for sharing. why don't you go and share your strength with the mcraes, as they have been so generous in sharing theirs?

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