Monday, February 21, 2011

my feet my feet oh my feet my feet: video as dirge

i am having a high pain day in my legs and hands. 

captain haddock got fred one of those flip cameras as a winter solstice "longest night" token, though we usually just say it was a "christmas gift."  you know, to avoid perplexity.  and stuff.

anyway, i hurt.  a lot.  and i have been losing my temper a bit because of it.  i am sorry, but no matter how sorry i am, i keep blowing up.  there is no one who really constitutes the object of my anger;  they are just there. 

that they're there by choice is what is truly mind-boggling.

and oh-so-appreciated.

so i was reading an email from a friend who was bitching about how her feet throb at the end of the day and i about puked.  what she knows about throbbing would fit into the disintegrating window of what used to be my big right toenail.

er, my right big toenail?  (somehow, that makes my toenail sound like landed british gentry)

so i made my first film.

of my feet.

also... i forgot that my hands are now showing their temperature and pain gradations by means of color, too.  it is kind of freaky looking, the split on my left hand.  on my right hand, busy holding the camera and trying not to shake, the purple "line" extends almost all the way up my forearm, but on a diagonal.

to be precise, and why not? -- there is a line on the right hand that matches, exactly, the placement of the line on the left hand.  this is typical of me, and, i assume, of bilateral crps/rsd (the disease process in question, plus a scosh of avascular necrosis, for good measure).  but because the damage is more extensive on the right, the area past that line is just a step-down from the first splotch of purple.  that second area extends up the forearm, on a diagonal.

to be precise.

my legs are on fire.  that would be the famous "burning" neuropathic pain.
they also throb, deeply -- i assume from the bone and tissue damage.  and oh, is the bone damaged.
there is a superficial annoying pain that stems just from contact with... air.  and -- almost, as you will see, one cat.  that was dobby.

he knows better than to sniff my feet.  that was enough to send me into orbit.

maybe i will set up a "footcam."

anyway, here's my first flip vid:

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