FAQ For My Students: The Rapture

Brother-Unit Grader Boob forwarded this recent department-approved addendum to his syllabus for English Comp classes at Good Old University, where he quietly and courageously attacks the lethargy and heightened sense of entitlement afflicting today's youth. He must have begun the first summer session, because just a few weeks back he was getting misty-eyed over the end of spring semester:

Howdy--
Just wanted to drop you a line as the grading/cursing here comes near an end.
Have had one student say that I "fucked [her]" and that "[she didn't] care one bit for this shitty class." My response: a bland "Have a nice summer."
I just wished I'd said it sarcastically!
Where's Swift when you need him?
Mucho amore to all.
Grader Boob

From UC-Berkeley's Landscape Heritage Plan
Sather Gate, Wheeler Hall, and the Campanile beyond (ca. 1945). Note that at this time, the Gate
defined the campus entrance, and the adjacent Sproul Plaza was a city block.

FAQ for my Students: The Rapture
Q: With the rapture coming, should I bother working on my final paper?
A: Yes. The odds are you will not be judged worthy of ascent to heaven, in which case your grades will still be a basis of judgment for rewards in this earthly sphere.
Q: What if my instructor is raptured?
A: None of our instructors bear much chance of being judged worthy. However, on the off chance your instructor is chosen, an army of unemployed secular Marxists is waiting to take his/her place.
Q: If my mother/father/grandfather/grandmother/favorite aunt/etc. is chosen, will I be excused from the final so that I may mourn his/her loss?
A: No. They have not died, but been granted eternal life, thus this does not count as a case of a death in the family.
Q: If my instructor is not raptured, is he really fit to judge me?
A: Yes, seeing as you were not raptured, you are still subject to the earthly judgment of the unsaved. If/when you are redeemed, a change of grade form will be automatically processed by heavenly authorities if they decide your grade was unfairly given by one of the damned.
Q: If my computer crashes and my printer breaks and there is no email on account of the rapture, will I be able to get an extension on the paper?
A: Everyone in tech and IT departments is of Satan’s party, so the internet, your computer, and your printer should continue to work the way they always have: sporadically.
Q: How will the rapture affect your curving, particularly if raptured students are exempt from final tests/papers?
A: Final grades are not curved, but students who are taken up in the rapture will be given incompletes, just in case.