Last night, I acted on a promise, I announced a dream come true. Change.
I wrote to a beloved:
i'm trying to change myself -- overnight. that's correct: tomorrow, a new me, a new attitude, no fears, no woes, as much appreciation of the beauty in everything as my spirit can take, and large movements of big muscles.
and learning. i need to learn. travel with some one or some thing to a mutual smile.
no, i'm not on more pain meds! and i mean what i am saying. i've no expectation of obliterating my faults, finding god, becoming good or saintly. in fact, eliminating those subterranean poofy pink desires, choking them out with some living vegetation, would be a relief.
I learned about curling, with a man who ran quickly to his coat closet and found a supremely cool Norwegian cap, a gift someone he'd had business dealings with had tossed into one of their uber-serious business boxes. He then proceeded to decipher the mysteries of curling as the United States men battled the Norwegians, in their flag-coded, wildly paned pants (held up with a white belt).
In between the workout of blending and stirring and pouring and lifting, and the revelatory moment of the blue circle, the stone guided there by sweeping fools and ice chips, I slept.
During the night, I fell into music, a string of dear songs helping the trip to the other side of bed-shaking spasms. When necessary, I brokered peace between Buddy the Maine Coon, beset with jealousy and insecurity, and Marmy and Dobby, who both have a hunted, haunted look, and have tufts of their hair scattered over the living room rug. Buddy knows no other way. He can only feel loved if he is the only available cat. The look of confusion on his face is upsetting. The damage he can do to other cats (and to my forearms) is remarkable.
Punishing a cat is pointless. I tried giving him a quick swat, and the bewilderment that resulted taught me to never do that again. It's love, all the way, or nothing.
Fred the Wise sighs over my efforts to create peace. "Let them work it out," he says. He who rarely witnesses the violence.
I prayed for Syria and that felt like a waste of time. I meditated, mindful of Syria, and left it "there," and that was infinitely better for me, though it did nothing for Syria.
To the same beloved, I shared my greatest Olympic memory, one he should have witnessed firsthand -- an account of Brother-Unit Grader Boob and his amazing physical mimicry:
once he hit 6'4", he perfected an impression of a ski-jumper that was astounding. size 13 feet firmly planted on the good earth, he'd launch, then actually bring his body, pretty much in a straight line, almost parallel with his imaginary skis, forming a perfect V with body, feet, and floor. hands floating at his side. then he'd execute that lovely bent knee landing... complete with whistling wind noises.Were it not for the annoyance of repeatedly waking up, these would surely be my final days.
© 2015 L. Ryan