Nothing to see here, move along...
Written by: Tina Fey
Miss Anabelle.....Rachel Dratch
Farm Boy.....Jeff Richards
Colonel Angus.....Christopher Walken
[ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: "Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!" ]
Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When's he gonna get here, Mama?
Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.
Melinda: Is he very handsome?
Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He's been away at war so long, I don't rightly remember.
Melinda: Mama! Look! There's a carriage on the horizon!
Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?
Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!
Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!
Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?
Miss Anabelle: ..I don't know, uh.. We haven't seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..
[ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]
Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?
Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can't wait to meet him!
Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she'll settle for nothing less.
Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!
Daddy: Hmm.. I don't know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!
Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why.. can't put my finger on it..
Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!
[ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]
Bedelia: Yes, Sir?
Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We're gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!
Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don't know nothin' about no Colonel Angus!
Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!
[ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]
Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!
Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!
Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.
Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We're always happy to see your shiny face!
Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?
Colonel Angus: I'm headed.. down South!
Daddy: Hmm. Of course!
Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?
Colonel Angus: T'ain't really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..
Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!
Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?
Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.
Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I've heard so much about you.
Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don't believe everything you hear.. about ol' Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.
Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you'll spend the night with us.
Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.
Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: "Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!" But he never will.
Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that's because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!
[ they all share a hearty laugh ]
Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.
Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..
Colonel Angus: It's true, I'm afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.
Daddy: Is it true you've been stripped of your rank?
Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There'll be no more "Colonel Angus", ladies. Call me by my given name.
Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal..
Melinda: I so love the sound of "Colonel Angus".. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try.
Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin' at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.
Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..
Colonel Angus: If you'll excuse me.. I'd like to freshen up.
[ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]
Miss Anabelle: Of course! We'll call you when it's time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.
Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!
Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm....
Miss Anabelle: You won't.. after forty-five minutes.
Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.
[ fade ]