yes, it's a pity party.
i am also sunk in a weird origami configuration designed by my equally moody hospital bed. why don't i "fix" it? well, l'il mister know-it-all, no configuration seems to help.
you see, we had another perfect storm drop by for a day -- yesterday. that would be wednesday. instead of recovering through blessèd unconsciousness, sleep just made my clothes stick to my dirty, sweaty body, and the setback to my leg does not encourage me to travel on foot to the bathroom to wash up. too much information? you gotta be kidding me. o, what i have left out!
my right hand is really getting into its new and sudden reinvention as a lobster claw but as someone who enjoys having hands, i'm going to go with... dissociation. denial. maybe anything that starts with "d," though please exempt me from diarrhea.
what? you want decorum? well, it is a "d"-word. another "d"-word in play around marlinspike hall? d-d-d-d-aptomycin!
think good thoughts about these short infusions of dapto -- because after 5 straight days of improvement, one day as clusterf*ck has made my right leg bright red, red hot, and is causing me to see red, as the intense i-am-gonna-explode-strep-and-staph-through-this-shiny-thin-crimson-skin feeling mounts.
considering that i toned down the actual levels of clusterf*uckedness that was encountered at the time of the writing of the following email, and considering that it left out all that came after? well, to tell the truth, i'm ashamed of having sent it to my sweet cancer-fighting, ignorance-smasher of a brother... but relieved that i could get it out of my system. i assumed things were gonna get better overnight, of course. i am, of course, a bona fide idiot. my bona fides is writ large throughout this blog!
the dear brother unit? lumpy, of grader boob fame? he sweetens. i know that we all waver in our glucose levels... and remind myself that he has every reason in the world to be an addlepated sour puss. well, bless him if he's faking, and bless him if he's not. just bless the boy.
my hopes of goading him into regaling me with his accumulation of medical snafu guffaws, and tales of his own narcissistic pity pit mud roll-abouts? pure projection on my part, as they don't exist in lumpy's world. his few medical stories are kind-hearted, or born of pure consternation. as opposed to tainted consternation, like mine own, which incorporates blame, lots and lots of blame.
anyway, my first instinct on surviving half of wednesday was to check emails, hoping to hear from ANY AND ALL SIBLINGS. oh? did i have the CAP button locked. oopsies. dimpled oopsies! wouldn't want my siblings to think i was YELLING at them.
yes, damn it, i know, they are working, all of them, and working hard, and not at things they love. STILL!
okay, so i checked my inbox and found, in the middle of leftist, "progressive" donation-grubbers, this gem from the aforementioned lumpy:
Wanted to check in to see how your latest medical adventures are going.
Hope you're finding some relief--you deserve it.
Had an angry talk with Mom yesterday, which ended with her hanging up on me. Don't quite know what to say to her when I call back. I think I finally got some of the vitriol that she usually dumps on [ANOTHER SIBLING].
Well, quite the family!
Love to you and Fred and the clowder!
a word about our mom! she's a very sweet lady, especially if you're sort of the black sheep stepchild who doesn't irritate her by helping her with wound care, appropriate living facilities, the general loss of independence, and advancing dementia. in other words, i don't call, and i don't help out -- so i am golden. she has developed a mean streak and has little inhibition. given her advanced vocabulary and gift for drama (she's forever a ballerina to me...), i bet her tongue lashings are sharp, indeed.
hopefully, when brother lumpy calls back, she'll not remember their prior encounter.
that sweet little email was all it took for me to spew forth the accumulated bile of my small bad day, even as i was cognizant of his suffering. a soul had reached forth, a hand had come through the fog -- i was surely going to snatch that soul, and wring that hand!
and i did:
first, i love you! i love you for even ASKING, since you know i'm gonna bleccckkkk it out anyway. there's no definition, of which i'm aware, for "bleck," but trust me, it's the appropriate word...
Wanted to check in to see how your latest medical adventures are going.Hope you're finding some relief--you deserve it.
© 2013 L. Ryan