Mal à la gorge

Quel matin catastrophique! Ecoutez, écoutez, tout le monde, je dois vous faire une annonce de tristesse profonde: J'ai mal à la gorge. Oui! Moi, diva exceptionelle, mal à la gorge! Fred --un coup de fil immédiatement au médecin! Et toi, Retired Educator, conduis-moi vite à la salle d'urgence. Chop-chop, allons-y!

[Oh God, not again. She has the least little scratchiness in her throat and it is off to the races... call the doctor, drive me to the Emergency Department (Room? Department? Cela ne me fait rien -- but WhiteCoat cares, apparently.). All so that she can sing that stupid L'air des bijoux -- over and over and over again. Still, she does have her public, and she is scheduled to perform a matinée today. I'm sure she won't have to wait... not after they get to know her and the deleterious effect she might have upon a room of sick people.]
Va-t-en, Dobby! Chaton bizarre. Fou, même. J'ai mal dormi à cause de lui, ce petit fou. Ma pauvre voix en démontre le résultat: mimimimimi, tousse-tousse, lalalalala! Comment serai-je capable de chanter le grand air de Boudon aujourd'hui, alors que ma gorge est si douloureuse, la vie si cruelle? Jésus a pleuré, tu sais. Et Jésus a pleuré. [She always pulls that old "and Jesus wept" crap. Jeez. And... right on cue, she commences to sob.]

Et toi, Retired Educator, comment se fait-il que tu sois si heureuse en face de mon désespoir? Hein?
[Comment? Piece of cake, la Belle Bianca Castafiore, piece of cake.]
(Sonnerie de téléphone)
Saved by the bell! It is Cranky Nurse at her doctor's office, returning our frantic SOS. She spreads melodious concern as if it were just so much manure. A *special* concoction of Magic Mouthwash has been called in to the Best Pharmacy In The Area -- felicitously close to the house. "Send one of the minions," purrs Cranky Nurse to La Belle Bianca Castafiore. "Mais bien sûr, bien sûr," elle murmure, en réponse. "Moi, il faut que je reste à la maison, silencieuse -- afin de remettre ma voix, tu sais, Cranky Nurse."
She whispered her way through the day, rinsing, gargling, slurping down beef consommé with alarming alacrity, slagging her way through dainty gobs of garlic bread -- the secret restorative of divas the world over, claims La Belle.
But she was ready to sing, come time for L'air des bijoux. And afterward she told us, laughingly:
"Ah, je ris de me voir si belle dans ce miroir!"