I don't "do" decaf

Retired Educator here, fresh from catching up on my favorite blogs on my Google Reader.

Kim over at Emergiblog opens an excellent, and sadly necessary, post on Emergency Department etiquette with a few remarks about coffee. Back in the day, she recalls that patients in Coronary Care were only allowed a certain hideous form of freeze-dried instant decaf.

"No coffee for you!" cried the Nurse Nazis.

This made me think of a week I spent in the hospital back in the late 80s. The medical center is well-known and ranks in the top 10 of the U.S. News Best Hospital List.

My doctor started a medication that required me to have a certain minimum blood pressure in order for the nurse to be able to administer it. My normal blood pressure makes medicos want a crash cart nearby, so this was proving something of a challenge.

First, my nurse had me get up to a chair.

Next, walk around the room.

Calisthenics.

Move into a slow jog, a trot, a canter.

Take a shower.

60/40.

No go.

"Coffee, I need coffee, real coffee. I don't do decaf and I don't do instant." I told them.

"You're not supposed to have coffee. It's contraindicated. " Still, she had a curious look on her face, and was checking her watch. The med was to be given before breakfast, and time was marching on, she had report to give, charting to do, a life to live.

She left.

She came back, slinking inside, a mug (a real mug!) of steaming coffee in hand. I did mental handstands and managed to refrain from inquiring after my shot of steamed milk. Like a simpering dutiful child, I blew and slurped, blew and slurped, all under her watchful eye.

Note to readers: it is impossible to properly enjoy the beverage under that kind of woeful surveillance.

Guess what? 80/45.

Almost, but not quite.

So here is the part that you will likely not believe -- I said something about wishing I could smoke a cigarette with my coffee. Just chitchat.

Her beady eyes narrowed so that she had very narrow, very beady eyes.

Yes, she had me go in the bathroom and smoke 1/2 of a cigarette.

And B-I-N-G-O! 90/60. She gave her med, told me to keep quiet, and to be ready to do it again the next morning.

I swear! And I was better prepared the next morning, too. I kept some cream containers in an emesis basin full of ice.

I wish I knew what the medication was but I don't recall. I was more intrigued by this nurse and our transgressions.