Hard choices. But my choices.
Medicated out the wazoo. Until the pain in my right leg goes down a few notches. There is nothing else in my world right now -- no room. It's on fire, it's delivering jolts, it is in contracture to the point of pure misery.
Left unsaid: I want to go to the Emergency Department, where they keep the Emergency Rooms and the people that I trust to help should things go south in a hurry, as they have these last few hours.
Out loud: I spent a few hours just crying (mostly in the bathroom), but trying to stay calm and distracted because I didn't want to go to the Emergency Department, where they keep the Emergency Rooms and the people that I [stupidly used to] trust would help should things go south in a hurry.
[Before beginning to read the medical blogosphere, I thought it safe to go there for help. Not so, not how they talk about people in pain. Fuck them.]
This is supposedly one of the most painful of diseases -- Whatever, all I know is that it has not hurt like this for years. Years that I consider completely lost. I am terrified that I won't come out of this -- evolve, settle back to my normal pain levels.
Trust me -- I can't do this.
Last night was hell. I don't want to do tonight. I can't do this.
About 6 weeks ago? I think. I cut back from 4 10 mg of methadone a day to 3 10 mg of methadone a day. Too sleepy and stupid. I am adding it back starting NOW -- and also, I am giving myself permission to dick around with percocet until I get a measure of relief. It's just that simple. If that does not work... I don't know what to do. Doctors sure don't have the least inkling. I talked to Fred about amputation, he said, "It will just make it worse." And when did he start knowing anything about this shit? He got me water and some food and then disappeared. He cannot take much more of this. Bless his bones; Bless his beautiful heart.
I told God a while back, three-four years ago, that I would take whatever He felt like dishing out if He would just help me to be humble. I mean, it was clear that I was in for Deep DooDoo, Paradise Lost to Dame Constant Pain. Humility. That was the deal. It was our Bargain Power Hour.
The Son of a Bitch. Fuck Him, and His Little Dog, too.
Bianca, that sounds bloody awful!!!
ReplyDeleteI do try and read your English written blogs... My heart goes out to you, and I empathise for you in your dilemma. My god cant they just get it right for you somehow!!!!
Pain is pain, and it is individual for everyone. I don't care what other people say, they may never have had a chronic illness or play martyr to make everyone else feel like shit.
Do what you have to do, you DO NOT HAVE TO SUFFER this way.
I'm terrified of the hospital also, but you may just come across a good Dr this time.
You are in my thoughts
Kindest regards Kirst
hi, kirst -- there is some sunlight now, so things are more hopeful. i am going to try and marshal all resources for the evening and night, when pain goes haywire. you're very kind -- and i will be fine -- just need to remember that this all "builds character." [crazed laughter!] take care, be well.
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