Monday, December 6, 2010

on a day we meet to walk the line

Howdy high there, buckaroos!  It's been a hoot of a day.

Without disclosing what exactly made me think of it, I spent a good quarter of an hour this afternoon extolling the merits of Frost's poem Mending Wall.  We were on the way home from my two medical appointments, and stuck in nasty traffic behind tentative drivers, all of whom, according to Fred, represented the fruits of the bastardization of our species.  Or something like that.

I had a captive audience, is what I'm saying.

In a vain effort to keep me from endless nattering, he switched on NPR.  At some point after the story on Clinton's meeting with our "chief Asian allies," shortly after the report on the televised arguments before California Supreme Court on Prop 8, but before the bit on the Random Hacks of Kindness Hackathon, I managed to reproduce the poem in its entirety.  You might call it A Blurt.

Mending Wall

SOMETHING there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun;
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing: 
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made, 
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go. 
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"
We wear our fingers rough with handling them. 
Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
He is all pine and I am apple-orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him. 
He only says, "Good fences make good neighbors."
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
"Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows. 
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down!" I could say "Elves" to him, 
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there,
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."
Personally, I found my outburst not just appealingly literary but also perspicaciously germane. 

Okay, so I didn't reproduce the poem perfectly, all of a piece.  Maybe I paraphrased a little and transformed larger passages into morcels of personal opinion -- but largelyLargely, it was there.

It was enormously beneficial that Fred was very familiar with Mending Wall, and, of course, fairly familiar with my belief that poetry is as important as politics, and often times is as much -- or more -- of an event.

Did I align myself as pro-community, against isolationism?  Did I declare my make-up to be all pine in a world of hardwood fruit trees?  Do I hate walls but believe in the neighborly act of gathering to repair the divider?  

Maybe the wall has value only as a point of broken-down and crumbling old references, as what is familiar, and therefore dear, no matter whether proven true, disproved, or established as patently irrelevant. 

It's where we gather;  It's where we start.

Why not end with a story, a true one, both germane and tangential?  When I was browsing, reading about walls [[[I am weird that way... a poem about mending walls requires at least some time thinking about actual walls {always remember:  "imaginary gardens with real toads..."}]]] -- Anyway, I came across this at a site called Texas Escapes which sometimes features columns by Mike Cox, and in this instance, one called Rock Fences. He particularlizes one of the German immigrants who authored the many rock fences of Texas Hill Country, the "backyard of Austin and San Antonio," and one is reminded, even more, what a rich expressive vehicle a wall can be:

Louis Grosz, born in Hueffenhardt, Germany in 1853, came to Texas when he was 18. His uncle, Phillipp Eckert of Mason County, had written and told him what tools he needed to bring to make a living in America. Grosz weighed his two trunks down with iron, including a broad axe needed to build a log cabin.


As Estella Hartmann Orrison related in a family history she self-published in 1957, “Eckert Record,” when Grosz finally reached the Hill Country he had to go to work to repay the $50 his uncle had advanced him for his passage to Texas. His first income came from laying rock fences at 50 cents a day in an era when no one had yet considered working only eight hours out of 24.

Likely toiling from “can see to can’t,” Grosz’ rate of compensation amounted to only pennies on the hour. And the work must have been brutally hard. Roy Bedichek, in his 1947 book “Adventures with a Texas Naturalist,” estimated the stone fences on his place in Hays County weighed “not less than a ton per linear yard.” The rule of thumb passed down to the present is that it took one man one day to build three feet of fence three feet high.


That three-feet-a-day pace involved not only the relatively mindless toil of finding, digging up, lifting and hauling suitable rocks but the more cerebral activity of sorting and stacking them just so. Gravity held these fences together, not mortar. The rocks had to fit snugly and be balanced.


Picture working a gigantic puzzle with very heavy pieces in a climate where most of the time it’s too hot and sometimes too wet or cold or both. Throw in a sore back and the occasional displaced scorpion or rattlesnake and you have a pretty tough way to make four bits a day. Oh, and hostile Indians still posed a danger in Mason County when Grosz had to earn money as a rock fence builder.


While rock fences also are known as “German fences,” research by University of Texas graduate Laura Knott, a landscape architect specializing in historic preservation revealed that dry-laid fences did not originate in Germany. Rather, the style used in Texas and elsewhere in the South seems to have been modeled after rock fences common to Great Britain.


Knott theorized that German Texans learned of the style and imitated it. On the other hand, it doesn’t take a rock-it scientist to figure that a potential farm field strewn with plow-breaking stones could be both fenced and cleared by stacking those very stones.




*****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****      *****     

THE BIT I WROTE AFTER REACHING THE POINT WHERE ONE IS SUPPOSED TO STOP WRITING AND WHICH MOST PEOPLE MANAGE TO EDIT AWAY also known as my usual after-post detritis:
Of course, the truly infuriating thing is that no matter how outnumbered are the Forces That Would Have A Wall, the mere existence of a single wall proponent is enough to necessitate a building project worthy of the Army Corps of Engineers.  In much the same way that one must opt for the plural masculine form of the third person personal pronouns if a single masculine element is present in the subject pool, one wall-lover casts a broad shadow.

After all these years it still pisses me off -- that when 999 women openly gather, you just have to discover one guy in the coat closet to ruin The Sisterhood.  You must represent the group as masculine plural; You must choose ils as subject pronoun.


And unless you can withstand the onslaught of Shrugs-for-Answers, you don't ask "Why?"


Laws of race, laws of gender, politics of sexual orientation, tax breaks for millionaires, warning shots across the bow, ideas of intellectual ownership, and walls.  Walls.  Yeah, my ride home was deep today!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Jonathan Brookins, TUF

Congratulations to Jonathan Brookins who just took two of three rounds to become this season's TUF winner over Michael Johnson.  Johnson had a great first round and had he been able to connect, could have taken Brookins out at any time.  Jonathan seemed to get the point and was fairly adamant about keeping it on the ground for the last ten minutes!



He's refreshing, is Brookins, and so I make the usual wish that he may stay that way...

Stephan Bonnar won his match, handily (29-26, unanimous) but I still was able to complete a crossword, groom two cats, fetch dessert, and fold laundry during the fight -- all without that gnawing sense of deprivation.

No, he did well against Igor Pokrajac -- and the Words of the Day seemed to be momentum and reliability, and the struggle to establish them both.  Bonnar was fit and fairly twinkling on his toes, and when on the ground showed steady aggression.

Pokrajac lost a point for kneeing Bonnar in the head, and Bonnar lost one for blows to the back of the head.  Mazzagatti might even have been about to stop the fight, seconds left in the third, when he censured Bonnar for the illegal blows.  Fortunately, the bell sounded and Mazzagatti wasn't able to act on those fascist urges, born, no doubt, from the silly brown Hitler Youth uniforms that some refs now sport.   Joe Rogan had a few things to say about both point charges and the rules that prompted them.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

RetroShivers


Just the thing on a cold winter's day -- Bob Woodward's trilogy.  From the third book in the series, State of Denial, this eerie quote from Daddy Bush, as he maneuvered behind the scenes on behalf of his boys:


On February 28, 1999, the former president was the honored guest at a gathering of some 200 Gulf War veterans at the Fort Myer Army base, just across the Potomac River from Washington.


...It burned him up when people said they hadn't finished the job, he said. "Had we gone into Baghdad -- We could have done it. You guys could have done it. You could have been there in 48 hours. And then what? Which sergeant, which private, whose life would be at stake in perhaps a fruitless hunt in an urban guerrilla war to find the most-secure dictator in the world? Whose life would be on my hands as the commander-in-chief because I, unilaterally, went beyond the international law, went beyond the stated mission, and said we're going to show our macho? We're going into Baghdad. We're going to be an occupying power--America in an Arab land--with no allies at our side. It would have been disastrous."  [p. 11]

Prescient is not my usual adjectival pick for George H. W. Bush...

Friday, December 3, 2010

LINDSEY BAUM: december update

There is no hard news to report on missing child Lindsey Baum, who disappeared June 26, 2009, from her small hometown of McCleary, Washington. She is now twelve years old. 

Local law enforcement, volunteers, the FBI, and Interpol -- all continue to publicize her case, and to search.  There is a $30,000 award being offered to information leading to her recovery.








Shonya Kay (username shonyakay at YouTube) is doing a marvelous job turning out well made videos that both move and keep the various stories alive, without sacrificing the factual evidence that will be what ultimately solves these cases. Drop by her YouTube channel and see the magnificent work she has done.

You can read everything that has appeared on this blog about Lindsey J. Baum, by clicking HERE.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Lindsey's Mom, Dad, and brother -- as well as to all who are searching and working for her return home. 








If you have any information regarding Lindsey Baum, please call the Grays Harbor County Sheriff's Office at 866-915-8299 [Tip Hotline].

NATIONAL CENTER FOR MISSING & EXPLOITED CHILDREN
1-800-843-5678 (1-800-THE-LOST)
McCleary Police Department (Washington) 1-360-533-8765
Family Website: Lindsey Baum

a confusion of appendages

I am having some new difficulties and apologize to my scant readership for not posting much, either in quantity or of quality.

Mostly, these problems are neurological. I find the brain and its doings fascinating, usually, but not so terribly much when the brain in question is stashed in my own skull.

I think I've written before about the "Where is my leg?" phenomenon, wherein locating one's own appendages in space becomes either problematic or hilarious, depending.

My upper body has joined in the fun, my hands being downright wicked.

I caught Fred watching me last night as I was dressing down these things called legs. In transit from the bathroom to the bed, a voyage usually marked by pirouettes and grands jetés, I lost control of my legs -- in the sense that they decided my directions were flawed. All I was asking for was a basic straight line of approximately seven steps, with the assistance of a cane . Ironically, there is one major obstacle in my carefully delineated path, and that is my wheelchair.

It won't fit through the bathroom door, and so is parked alongside the bed, where I try to keep it connected to the charger. You never know when someone's gonna call out, "Road trip!" -- and I wanna be ready.

In addition to the chair itself, then, I have the thick wires of the battery charger that snake across my path.

Lastly, there is one red plastic water bowl, Dobby's Beloved. I keep it neatly tucked in the corner behind the bathroom door. Alas, that is not where Dobby likes to keep it. He nudges and moves it with the encouragement of his nose and a front paw.  (Yes, he still talks to it, even sings in an odd chirpy dirge, followed by head bows and head butts -- and water everywhere, of course!  Silly humans, we love to watch and eavesdrop, and I don't think we would be totally shocked were the bowl to talk back one day.)

He seems to prefer it precisely in the middle of the path between door and wheelchair, approximately one-third of the distance between the bathroom door and the beckoning bed.

There's no need to weave a fun, cute story out of this Journey of Seven Steps.  With my brain set on dementia, apparently, I could not provide my legs with directions that they thought worth following.  

The first thing my right leg decided to do, when realization of its freedom set in, was to kick Dobby's beloved red water bowl -- freshly filled with cold, filtered water, of course.  This is an old picture of my right foot -- from about three years ago.  It's much worse now, after deep ulcers, repeated nail loss, and the general deleterious effects of CRPS. You can see the beginnings, at the top of the foot, below the toes, of typical CRPS lesions. At the moment, the right foot's coloring is a deeper purple, certain areas evocative of, say, *black*, whereas the left is chilling and holding at a kind of grey-blue.




CRPS in right foot, approx 2007.  (I don't recall the reason for the tape)
Since then, the foot has ulcered, fractured, and lost nails.
  
Here is an even earlier photo that shows both feet -- It would be wonderful to return to that state!  It looks so much less painful than what I am now experiencing.  The left leg, at present, rivals the right in terms of pain, but the right will always be worse, I suppose, both in appearance and sensation, as it was the site of the initial "noxious" injury in May 2002.  Somehow, miraculously, the left foot has also escaped most of the little traumas over these past eight years -- no cuts, scrapes, ulcers, bruises. (I did lose the big toenail for some reason)  It is only in the last month that the left leg has joined the right side in the torture of spasms-'n-jerks hi jinks. 




This was very early on, maybe 2003/4.  The level of discoloration extended just above the ankles.  Now it extends above the knee on the right side, and just below the knee on the left.
 




These were my "winter" CRPS feet -- thin, very purple, ice cold, incredibly painful.  In the summer, there was more edema, a redder cast, and they were sometimes radiating heat.   Again, much different, much worse, now.
 
Both feet have been fractured multiple, multiple, MANY times... to the point where we barely react anymore.  We certainly no longer report the fractures as needing immediate care, because the advice is usually inappropriate for the disease.  You do NOT want to immobilize a CRPS limb.  You do NOT want to apply ice to a CRPS limb.  And you really don't need to rush off to get an x-ray after the fifth or sixth break... It's been documented to death. Another confirmation by x-ray and a wasted bone scan just lines someone else's pockets with green.  Generally, I will tell my internist or ortho at a regular appointment, note their sage advice, and then continue doing what I know is best. 

I remember the first bad fractures to the metatarsals of the right foot. It was my introduction to an orthopedic surgeon who specialized in feet.  He seemed to be expecting quite a tale to explain the broken metatarsals, the incredible edema, and the astonishing array of colors.  He was pretty disappointed by my claim that I took a step outside, on concrete, and they just broke.  I had not been diagnosed at that time.  He knew, of course, immediately that this was CRPS, and advanced enough already that I had broken bones by simply stepping onto concrete.  Did he tell me, or even suggest to me that something more ominous than weak bone in a previously badly broken ankle, was going on?  No.  He asked me if I would mind him writing a letter to the orthopedic surgeon who had repaired the ankle (my shoulder doc, the asshole Eric Carson, major player, major cause, of my "sentinel event.")  Anyway, the foot guy knows me well now, and nothing much surprises him anymore. 

We did once furiously clash -- furiously, awfully, saying things that hurt. This time, I had my diagnosis, and I was consumed with anger at every doctor who had contributed either actively, or -- almost worse -- by maintaining a complicit silence, to my loss of quality of life.

It was hellaciously hot, and I was being sent to him on an emergency basis, as my right leg had very suddenly worsened.  It was huge and red and throbbed in cadence with the miles of backed up, churning, honking traffic -- the trip, first to my internist, then across two counties to this OS, was marked by an extremely bad attitude, considerable cursing, and a partner that was ready to kill the next hindrance to appear.

The week prior, I had sent a letter to the billing department of this huge orthopedic practice.  They were blatantly double-billing, determined to get the payment they felt they deserved, no matter the opinion of my insurance company.  Balance billing was the usual method, though sometimes they liked to dick around (à la the Happy Hospitalist!) with coding.  The PA once treated me to a 15-second injection of cortisone that ended up costing my insurance company over $600 -- coded as surgery, etcetera.  They tried several times to charge for splints that I actually had to buy elsewhere (Oh, *that* is quite the racket... they refer you to what amounts to a specialty boutique for splints/braces, saying they will make custom devices and carefully fit them and blah blah blah.  Upon arrival, the fee is immediately addressed, and when paid, you are escorted to a room in the back.  The, uh, specialist comes in, looks at the involved body part, hums a show tune, and grabs a box from the pile of boxes on the shelves.  He handed it to me, said, "This oughta do it..." -- signed the fee sheet -- and advised me that "the girls" would check me out, and to be sure to have a good day.  My insurance paid, without question, $200 for the brace -- almost identical to what you'd find in a drugstore --and over $200 for the "evaluation" and "fitting.").

So I wrote a letter.  I used to do a lot of that.  Now, I don't bother, as it makes no difference.

The congenial billing department wanted the medical crowd to know what an insufferable ingrate I was, especially considering that I had, at that time, great insurance, so they had appended my letter to the front of my chart.

It really was hellaciously hot that day.  I was kind of scared by my internist's reaction to the state of my leg, and I was acutely aware -- newly so, but still acutely -- that no one honestly knew how to deal with CRPS.  It might have been 3 or 4 months since my then new neurologist had made the diagnosis, to the consternation of the hospital and the involved orthopedists.

He lit into me like nobodies business, this doctor.  Yes, he knew it hurt, and badly.  That was what CRPS was about, didn't I understand that?  Didn't I know yet that that was my life now?  What did I expect him to do?  Loud and jeering, he seemed to yell, but probably did not.  Over and over he spoke of the worst pain there is, and explained, angrily, why -- because it never stops, it never relents, it never gets better.  I, the patient, had to change.  I had to adjust.  I was crying and without the benefit of a tissue or handkerchief, I remember smearing snot all over my face, and then being angry and frustrated about THAT. 

I yelled at the x-ray tech who kept grabbing my leg so as to get the right picture.  I did not yet know the secret:  if you tell a medical professional to NOT touch a body part, the first inclination will be to TOUCH that body part.  Often this comes -- or so one of them decided to tell  me -- from a desire to ease pain -- I suppose with some sort of bleeping Healing Touch ("energy medicine") in mind.  Beware the practitioners of Healing Touch, unless you ascribe to its theories, as it is impossible for them to understand that sometimes even the gentle, lavender-scented, sun drenched waves of air created by their sanctimonious undulating hands can cause severe pain to someone with CRPS.  Plus, they annoy me, and I say this despite the convictions of a dear, dear friend that the love in her hands can cure all...

That day?  There was no love in the air!  When he finally examined me, Foot Guy managed to pose a few questions and fairly leapt at one of my responses.  My answer, he crowed, provided the diagnosis -- I had a blood clot, by golly.  (No, I'll not embarrass him by telling you the question, though I will tease you:  It involved a symptom that occurred when I took a deep breath.)  Why, by George, by Golly, by Gee, it *was* an emergency after all.

He was ecstatic.  We had all enjoyed about 20 minutes of air conditioning and declining levels of anger, resentment, and adrenalin.  Plus, now he could save face by sending me for an emergency doppler/ultrasound at one of the area's many hospitals -- two of which were just blocks away. 

Of course, he thought it best to send me back to the very heart of downtown, to the hospital across the street from his practice's main clinic.  That made sense, especially since one of the nearby hospitals had multiple stored copies of several prior doppler studies.  They might have been able to simplify things by comparing those previous studies with a new one!

Having successfully avoided the best quality of care, Fred and I set off, again, now in rush hour traffic.  The highway was like a parking lot.  Fred gets frustrated in this situation, and tends to stop and start with huge jerks, speeding the distance of a few car lengths, then jamming on the brakes.  So, of course, I jammed my right leg against the floor mat in an imaginary effort to apply also-imagined brakes.  We both heard the crunch that issued from my ankle, and I just cried.  Just sat there and cried.

Anyway... we got the ultrasound: no blood clot.  The only medical response was to suggest admission, though, again, there were no clear ideas about what that would entail.   The sun long set, we went home and tried to decompress.  The day was not a waste, in that I had learned -- been taught yet again -- that seeking help with a CRPS-related problem was most likely to be an exercise in futility and frustration.  The next morning, I woke in heart failure.

Which I successfully treated with loads o'lasix, and hours of slug-like rest.

Foot Guy and I get along now.  Of course, I only go to see him when a foot fracture is not improving.  We are very polite to each other, and have never discussed the heated exchanges of that hot summer day.  I have always wanted to know the content of the letter he wrote to Eric Carson, author of my CRPS.  I mean, really, what did he say?  "Ummm, Eric, old pal, are you aware that this woman has developed a whopping case of RSD?" Who knows? 

Yes, right.  I was telling you about the neurological pitfalls that plagued my journey from the bathroom back to bed last night.  Gosh, I wonder why that didn't keep my prose heightened and dedicated solely to the telling of such a fascinating tale!

I got as far as Dobby's red plastic water bowl.  Then came the wire from the wheelchair battery recharger, and the wheelchair itself.  The short version?  I had no directional control -- not for up, not for down, not for left, not for right.  Every directional thought or command was met with the wrong action by my legs/feet.  I managed to end up sitting in the wheelchair, cords wrapped around my right ankle, yelping from the pain of that contact.

I bent down to pick up the recharger and to free my foot.  I could not get my hands to cooperate.  I couldn't grip the cane handle.

This morning, I littered the kitchen with joyously tossed coffee grounds.  Then I thought it would be fun to strew kibble in seemingly random -- but really quite artful -- arcs and other geometrical designs.  Trying to arrange an appointment before the one scheduled for February, I inadvertently hung up on my neurologist's office when I dropped the phone.

My head is throbbing and my temp is over 101.

I have no idea where my legs are.  Fred is in need of my curative chicken soup (Yes, he is sick again, poor fellow) but do I dare pick up a knife or deal with boiling water? 

Thanks again for letting me vent.  Yes, I know it's my blog.  Still, this gets old and I am aware of that...

PLEASE DON'T REPRODUCE MY PHOTOS.  UNFORTUNATELY, A PHOTO OF MY HANDS IS BEING CIRCULATED AS AN EXAMPLE OF UPPER BODY CRPS.  THERE ARE PLENTY OF PHOTOS AVAILABLE AND PROPERLY DOCUMENTED ON MEDICAL SITES DEDICATED TO CRPS/RSD.