Soft Paw* Perils

[*If you are unfamiliar with the feline command "Soft Paw," please read up on the subject HERE. A short video on Soft Paw Training is included.]

We recently bought a 16 pound bag of Friskies cat kibble. The price sealed the deal, although the promise of an enclosed cat toy sweetened the pot, let me tell you. It's impossible to litter the floor with enough small, squeaky playthings.

The chow is about gone, a pretty amazing feat for three cats, but not, I guess, when you figure that one of those three is a healthy, young Maine Coon. That would be Citizen Buddy, the Freakishly Large Kitten.

From elle est belle la seine la seine elle est belle

Buddy it was who assumed ownership of the Friskies enclosure, one very weird "Crinkling Paw Toy" that purportedly depicts Humpty-Dumpty, as featured in the 2011 blockbuster film Puss in Boots. It's made of felt, has a crispy creaking bit of something inside, and spindly legs and arms that flop around. Humpty sports an unlikely hat, a weird waistcoat, and drug-addled eyes. An embroidered porcine pug nose.

To a cat, I suppose it might look like a bug. A creepy, overweight bug.

Buddy is obsessed with his Humpty toy. In the course of a day, I've seen the thing staring up at me from almost every room in the West Wing of The Manor. I doublechecked to see if we had more than the one Freak of a Pastime. We don't.

Beady-eyed lippy creature.

We still spend lots of time each day playing fetch, in the hopes of reinforcing the "soft-paw" command in little Buddy's tiny mind. I cannot trim his claws and Fred refuses to. That leaves the natural erosive effect of running, sliding, and skidding like a cartoon across rough-hewn medieval timber flooring, as well as fine renaissance era parquet, plus vigorous scratching of fine leather furniture as the tacitly approved nail-trimming activities for indoor Manor cats. We are resigned to letting him work off the scalpel ends of his talons on Haddock finery, because we have experienced their entry into our flesh, and were humbled.

Teaching him to use "soft paws" on my CRPS limbs was a stroke of genius on my part, and I expect award upon award once he generalizes the command from the game of fetch and applies his learned gentleness to my hands and legs. In the interim, we just continue to strap extra large, industrial grade feminine napkins to my limbs with duct tape.

I am not sure how Humpty Dumpty fits into the Puss in Boots story, or even what the Puss in Boots story is, to begin with. I cannot imagine the narrative need for a ruined and bitter egg, who looks to be a bit of a failed metrosexual.

When I set out to find the lore at the heart of this eggy tale, I landed on a Christian movie review site. Great Caesar's ghost!

While this film was cleaner than the Shrek series, there was still some questionable material that I feel must be noted in order for parents to make an informed decision about whether or not to see this movie


Violence: Moderate. There are several fight scenes between Puss in Boots and other characters in the film, including a few sword fights. Of course, Puss in Boots steals from people. There is a scene where Puss in Boots, Kitty Soft paws, and Humpty Dumpty, are being shot at with guns and cannons. There is another scene where Humpty Dumpty pretends to be hit by a cart. Kitty Soft Paws scratches Jack’s face. There is another scene where Puss in Boots scratches faces (unintentionally). There is a brief scene where Humpty Dumpty is hit in his private area. Lastly, Puss in Boots is knocked out.


Profanity: Mild. One character says the phrase “Holy Frijoles.” There is a scene where Kitty Soft Paws mentions to Humpty Dumpty that she knows how to speak “meow.” The word “pooper” is mentioned, and Puss in Boots is referred as “frisky” two times.


Sex/Nudity: Mild. There are a couple scenes where a man’s pants fall down. Humpty Dumpty is seen changing in front of Puss and Soft Paws. Lastly, toward the end of the film, one man is seen bathing.


Other: There is one dance sequence in the film where Puss in Boots makes a couple obscene dance gestures, but this is brief. There is a mention of “catnip” (a mild drug reference). ***SPOILER*** One of the main characters dies ***SPOILER END***.


Spiritual issues/morals:


As we see Puss in Boots progress through this film, he realizes toward the end that he never had to steal, in the first place. He realizes he was wrong, and he tries to repay the town of San Ricardo for his misdoing. He seeks forgiveness. In the same way, God is willing to forgive us of all our sins, if we are truly sorry and repent of our sins. The Bible says in 1 John 1:9,

“If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (NIV)

Well, that scared the hell out of me, for sure.  The story of Puss in Boots is a Shrek spinoff?  Is there no respect for... oh, I dunno... Charles Perrault and his Histoires ou contes du temps passé, avec des moralités: Contes de ma mère l'Oye? You know, the father of Mother Goose? Wouldn't making that link bring the whole moralizing side of things into something of a clearer focus?

I've been glaring at Buddy, but none of this is his fault. He thinks it's a bug, this floppy, felted, belted (and hatted) toy.

My shoulders hurt, but then, you know that. You likely assume, though, that I baby them, that I spare myself the pain that would come from stuff like clearing the deck of a season of oak leaves or gathering six miles of garden hose coils onto a wall-mounted reel. It wouldn't occur to you that I'd expend any energy, much less necrotic bone and pus-imbued tissue, on attempts to throw a piffling bit of fluff like the Friskies Crinkling Humpty-Dumpty Paw Toy.

If you don't have one of these creatures, try throwing a feather. Or a dandelion seed head. Go on, give it your all.

Fred gives Humpty's hat a firm grip between his index and thumb, then flicks the thing like he'd toss a frisbee. He achieves loft but has no lateral control, and so, when he does the deed while lying in bed, for instance, Humpty often lands on The Fred's head, performing more as a perversely soft boomerang weapon system than a dependable and proper flying pie pan.

I'll try most anything once, and will repeat most anything to near death if I get a whiff of success and enjoyment out of it. So it is that my titanium shoulders have nearly come undone trying to please Buddy by launching the Friskies Humpty-Dumpty into very thin air.

My best efforts seem to come when I ball the darned thing up and whip it, side-armed, aiming for one of the dozen linen closets in our well-appointed living quarters, in front of which is a flimsy bit of area rug, the perfect foil for a cat pretending to be a torpedo.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

We mutter that bit of doggerel all the live long day, as if it were a promise from the Creator.  Fred has dropped the zombie toy into the kissing stones of the grist mill.  I have run it through various graters, coffee grinders, and even sliced the thing on my Calphalon Precision Mandoline.  And still, when we creep back into our luxurious apartment, our hearts lighter at the thought of Humpty's unexpected demise, there he sits, lank legs crossed, shell intact, weird headgear perched jauntily on his big, fat, pointy head.

Who knew, back when we started Project Soft Paw, where it would lead?

Save yourselves, Friends.  Beware the Crinkling Paw Toy.