addendum: mdvip go-to-guy added clonazepam to my drug arsenal but it's too soon to say whether it's helping. yesterday (sunday) was the first full dose day. due to constant clinching/declenching, my hips are sources of agony, and my knees, totally unreliable, and reluctant to bend. hard as it is for *me* to understand, i cannot expect for you to get it... but the cries and curses are a surprise -- the pain, a shock.
note that even dear dobby and dim buddy no longer respond to my whimpers. why should they? do i whine and give them a treat? no. do i yelp and offer a wunnerful wunnerful ear scratch? no. in all terms of feline / human interchange, i am a big nada zero zilch, the big nil.
So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years—
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l'entre deux guerres Trying to learn to use words, and every attempt Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure Because one has only learnt to get the better of words For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate With shabby equipment always deteriorating In the general mess of imprecision of feeling, Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer By strength and submission, has already been discovered Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope To emulate—but there is no competition— There is only the fight to recover what has been lost And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss. For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. Home is where one starts from. As we grow older The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated Of dead and living. Not the intense moment Isolated, with no before and after, But a lifetime burning in every moment And not the lifetime of one man only But of old stones that cannot be deciphered. There is a time for the evening under starlight, A time for the evening under lamplight (The evening with the photograph album). Love is most nearly itself When here and now cease to matter. Old men ought to be explorers Here and there does not matter We must be still and still moving Into another intensity For a further union, a deeper communion Through the dark cold and empty desolation, The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters Of the petrel and the porpoise. In my end is my beginning.