Friday, January 3, 2014

i love my go-to-guy

my eyes are almost swollen shut from self-pity, since my self-pity, combined with my rising fever and 9.9 out of 10 ranking on the retarded pain scale, equate to nonsensical tears but my mind is relatively unburdened, thanks to an hour and a half spent with dear, sweet, smart, inventive, superior go-to-guy, my "concierge" doctor that you'll have to shoot me to give up.  yes, i am poor -- and advocate living within one's means -- but i have budgeted for what i consider a compelling necessity, a medical gate-keeper.

anyway, his eyes lit up as he hit on an idea of how to work our peculiar situation and magic with the HMO i am now enrolled in, and with which he is not affiliated.  but the flat fee that i pay each year to "retain" him, well, it retains him.  in dire circumstances, and we are familiar with them, having him around... pays off.

anyway, we went over blood work, we devised a plan to so mesmerize the HMO and the physician i will have to choose in their network, and then...

we decided it was time for me to have a hospital bed with a trapeze. that will make things easier for me, but is one of those moments, you know?  the "oh, yeah, i am ready for disease and disability to reduce me a bit farther." reduce me, constrict me... also, though, on that sliver of pragmatism to which i cling -- it's a change that won't reduce me to tears when i think of how to turn over or sit up or, the ultimate!  when i think of how to both sit up, pivot so as to sit on the side of the bed, then stand and walk to the bathroom.

i went to my doctor's appointment without having brushed my teeth, much less showering.  that caused mucho boo-hooing on my part.  i am nothing if not ridiculous.

it's going to take a while to get the new doctors on board ("you realize they are going to take one look at your history and my summary of the last few years, and either take off running, screaming, or try to reinvent the wheel by ordering every test under the sun, don't you?") and so it will take a while before my carefully put together bedroom gets torn apart.  captain haddock is going to have a cow.  marlinspike hall's beautiful and antiquated décor -- and by "antiquated,"  i mean full of gorgeous and one-of-a-kind antiquities -- has never been so abused.  maybe the haddock corporation will see this as the last straw and put me and my belongings in a pile by the barn, just beyond the moat, and the reach of the drawbridge.  maybe the carnie rehab facility, right now mostly limited to cirque du soleil and local freak show addicts of the finest and most acrobatic kind... will take me in.  i could be a kind of barn mother hen.  and heck, who knows what monumental one-of-a-kind gymnastic moves i can come up with when provided with a hospital bed and a trapeze? eh?

see?  it's all rather too much to take in.

so we're cooking a chicken pizza, and plan on watching something mindless. dr. phil, or one of the multitude of law and orders.  maybe a cold case, or judge judy.

go-to-guy also rapidly and kindly filled out my POLST form, so i am covered -- live and let die!

my mind is jiggling like jello.

© 2013 L. Ryan

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