I knew that life had profoundly changed when my holiday wish lists last year were taken from dog-eared, well-thumbed medical supply catalogs.
For my birthday -- January -- close friends and family were able to avail themselves of end-of-the-year specials, discontinued items, and free shipping, the gift-givers dream come true.
I got a 10 inch Sacro-Lumbar Support with crisscrossed structure, Velcro ® closures, two angle pulls and stays (who does not love stays?) from Mom. It was beautifully gift-wrapped, but she left the price information inside -- "by accident," I'm sure. She's a little on the shallow side.
Not to be outdone, Step-Mom, the pinnacle of taste, gave me a lifetime supply of tubular gauze and orthopedic stockinettes. Kind of goes with her major personality quirk wherein everything must be well-contained in its proper place and clean, clean, clean and then: more better clean, with Clorox.
Grader Boob, one of my older brother-units, gets embarrassed by all the Excess of the Personal, and used the Dart Method of catalog shopping. He gifted this wheelchair-bound sister with a Primo Pedometer. Still, it was discounted to $23.75 from $29.99 -- a real steal.
My other brother-unit is a parttime bookie in Vegas and a guide for folks wanting to trek the more challenging and remote areas of the Grand Canyon. A year and a half or so back, he injured his shoulder. Given that half of the time I don't have shoulders, I was thrilled to get the unparalled Universal Posture and Clavicle Support -- from Scott Specialties, Inc. no less! Unfortunately, there was not enough room provided for my boobies. The girls found the front buckle closure convenient... but the padded "pliable" metal stays? Busting out all over my... circumference.
We haven't "met" yet -- the last time he saw me I was eight years old, and had no circumference! I have seen photos of him -- from his blog -- one that I adore -- called "fool in a pool" has him happy and waving from a natural pool at the bottom of a natural waterfall somewhere in that natural canyon. I am pretty sure he is nekkid under all the sparkle. The thing is... he looks, to me, just like he did the last time I saw him -- bearded, tan, thin. Considerably happier, though. I don't resemble my Self from even a few years back. I am a moon -faced, buffalo-humped monstrosity! Boo!
My best friend, The Iranian Lesbian? She's *such* a fashionista and it shows in her gift-giving: Medichoice disposable Paper Bibs -- with a debris-catching pocket along the bottom edge.
Anyway.
What's on my wish list now? More exotic stuff, like Conductive Aloe Vera Gel (for when Sparky-the-TENS Unit shorts out), a Memory Foam Seat Cushion (for my tired tush), and transfer boards made of your finer woods (I'm thinking some zebra wood or black palm -- lacewood or knobthorn -- with an extra-smooth, if not super*slick* finish).
You got that, family and friends?
My email queue is gone all crikey, and now I receive tantalizing offers such as the one above -- at least four or six times a week. Nothing if not regular.
Please tell me what they are so out-and-out *ecstatic* -- about?
"hooray, ma! no more poop on the floor!"
"look, aunty, a million ways to immobilize your relatives!"
"gramma! moisture-sensing bed pads -- attached to a miniaturized electrification device thingy! now that's an effective way to stop bed wetting, eh!?"
How does your caption read?
