What are they *thinking*?

Someone needs to say it: 

The school officials in Coweta County, Georgia (of these United States) have lost their minds.  I fully expect to read that Ms. Allwine, "a very good teacher," has been nominated for Georgia Teacher of the Year. 

Given the apparent political acumen of Georgia citizens, and with the help of pharmaceutical corporate sponsorship, she might have made a successful gubernatorial bid.

It's one of those stories that grow on you, if only because there are some enticing details that are left -- at least in this brief news article -- to the imagination.  I won't even allow myself to wonder about her husband and the state of her marriage, as I am fearful of discovering that this has been some sort of a romantic drama, and the lovebirds are planning to renew their vows.

What? Oh... She was arrested after pouring a bottle of Ambien into her Darling's drink in the aftermath of domestic spat.  As the article below puts it, so well:  He survived.

So, apparently, did she, and with remarkable impunity, even retaining her job as an elementary school teacher.

If trying to murder your husband is not evidence of moral turpitude, what, pray tell, is sufficiently turpid to warrant the loss of a job wherein you deal with frequent frustration in the form of tiny, young people?  Just imagine the anger of a turpid-prone educator should the rugrats not make it to the cafeteria in a hushed single line... or upon learning that dogs are eating homework papers again. 

You know, coming as it does on the heels of my first vaunted use of the word toothsome, turpid almost seems gratuitously facile.  It registers at different levels of the NastyAss Continuum, which includes everything from base to ewwww:ick!

My tendency to migrate toward the burgeoning field of Fancy Forensic Linguistics led me to an astute blog entry over at The Toe Blog -- "Turbid, Turgid, Turpid," an intricate study of Lolita.  Well, okay, it is less a study of Nabokov than a list of what the author appreciates in a few examples of language -- but she does juxtapose some meanings in the hope of Etymological Serendipity, and you know, Dear Reader, how much I love Etymological Serendipity!  Ms. McKeel begins her moment of verbal jouissance by noting that Humbert describes himself as "dispicable and brutal and turpid," and then she gets down-and-dirty, playing with words, rolling them between the tips of her fingers.

Turbid: (of especially liquids) clouded as with sediment
Turgid: ostentatiously lofty in style; abnormally distended especially by fluids or gas
Turpid: foul, base, wicked


And of course on a related note:


Tumid: of sexual organs; stiff and rigid; ostentatiously lofty in style; abnormally distended especially by fluids or gas

Honestly, I might have been happier, as a reader and writer, were I incarnated with mild-to-moderate dyslexia.  Those of you out there who actually suffer from dyslexia may have a moment to gift me with a wicked BitchSlap, for insolence and callous disregard... but you'll never make a charge of moral turpitude stick, copper!  [Of course, you have to give me time to travel from Tête de Hergé (très décédé, d'ailleurs) to Georgia -- a rarely traveled route, with no regularly scheduled flights.  Intrepid as I am, I wouldn't dare undertake the journey without a pre-arranged means of immediate escape.]

Okay, so Ms. Allwine has successfully been enabled as a criminal by a backward system.  Technically, and it is behind such things as technicalities that the various organs of oversight in Georgia hide from the glare of their own stupidity -- Technically, Ms. Allwine is innocent of all things turbid, turgid, and turpid, too.

Now... taken as meaning turgid-to-the-point-of-being-bombastic-pompous-and-overgrown, I think prosecutors could go after her enablers, her handlers, at least, with one charge of Aggravated Felonious Tumidity. It's been years since I've heard of a fellow educator or educational oversight entity so charged, but if the times and circumstances are sober enough to warrant it, well, so be it.

In the mean time, the thought of Allwine offering infuriating little Johnny a special glass of juice is a tad chilling.

Easy enough in Georgia to escape attempted murder charges and keep your job as an elementary school teacher -- probably with the requisite raise due all "good teachers" -- until they bus in a few Fancy Forensic Linguists.  You might wiggle out of a turpitude conviction... but tumidity will get you, every time.

COWETA COUNTY, Ga. -- An elementary school teacher gets to keep her job after she was charged with attempting to poison her husband, Coweta County School officials said.


Willis Road Elementary’s Rebecca Allwine’s legal troubles stemmed from a January argument with her husband, Coweta County deputies said. They said Allwine slipped a bottle full of Ambien into her husband's drink after the fight.


He survived, and she was charged with aggravated assault with intent to poison, deputies said.


In September, a grand jury indicted Allwine on a felony charge. Prosecutors dropped that felony after she pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors on Tuesday.


Parents and family members said they were upset that the county allowed her to remain in the classroom.


"She was accused of doing something wrong. Until she was found guilty or not guilty, she should have been pulled out of there," Willis Road parent Frankie Davis told Channel 2’s Richard Elliot.


A spokesman with the state's Professional Standards Commission said that Allwine informed them of the incident within the time frame required by policy. He said because the felony charge did not include the commission or conviction of a felony involving moral turpitude, they left her fate up to the school district.


Coweta County Schools spokesman Dean Jackson told Elliot that they followed all their proper procedures and policies with their decision. He said Allwine was kept in the classroom because she "was a very good teacher." [cont. HERE] 

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