Monday, December 22, 2014

"Time for Santa"

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, and as whirlwinds are difficult to describe for the best of writers, this one won't even try!

However you celebrate this season, however you work to tamp it down, you've likely a fond memory somewhere in that head of yours, and a few lingering issues from childhood. 

In lieu of a holiday card, please enjoy this physics-inspired explanation of how Santa gets it done, something about which everyone, no matter their tradition, no matter their age, has secretly wondered.

A few words about the poet, one HG Pfadenhauer, who only recently appeared in our region of Tête de Hergé, west of the Lone Alp.

He's one of the few remaining troubadours in this world that needs a good many more of his sort.

His musical abilities are interesting, true.  He totes several ukuleles (one electric), a sitar, and a bodhrán with the sort of patina that might drive The Antique Roadshow experts into a speechless frenzy.  Physically, he's an elegant and understated dresser, unusual for a troubadour, whom we usually picture as either some medieval jester-in-green-felt or a hobo stomping the arid byways of the Dust Bowl of the Dirty Thirties.  

Yes, he's tall and lean, his hair trimmed but long, and the lines on his face are fascinatingly cheerful.  His vests and tailored shirts are of the finest, quietest fabrics, his one ostentation a pair of Schott NYC 604 Perfecto Boot-Cut Steerhide Leather Pants, a necessary nod to his lifestyle: GW drives a vintage Vespa.

Sven Feingold is watching Bianca Castafiore watch the charming troubadour, and Sven's son, Cabana Boy, is watching them all.

It's simply been, as I said, a whirlwind of late, and when I held finger to air, the promise of entropy is what swirled against that digit.

HG Pfadenhauer has brought welcome relief, and a measure of delight.  Should you, wherever, whoever you are, need a bit of a delightful seasonal ditty, HG Pfadenhauer has authorized this blog publication of the highlight to his Wassail Festival Song Fest.

We wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Joyous Holidays!  

St. Nicholas in Harper's Weekly: January 1881

Time For Santa

by HG Pfadenhauer

By way of explanation
what with the world's increasing population
bringing Toys to every nation
takes longer than it used to
so the reindeer are on vacation
and Santa uses solar radiation
to run his sleigh without cessation
everywhere he goes to

Now, Santa is a pacifist, a realist
an existentialist
a physicist hobbyist
with a theoretical kind of sleigh
an engine that can run all night
faster than the speed of light
can make Christmas very bright
for all the kids on Christmas day

You can fly around all night
as you approach the speed of light
encroach upon the speed of light
and it'll all seem OK
but once you pass the speed of light
your sense of time is not quite right
the dark begins to turn to light
time flies the other way

Santa was being shadowed by the NSA
the FBI and the CIA
Homeland Security all the way
for the Red White and BlueSA
'cause he might be a terrorist
a communist, a feminist
or a psycho...therapist
gotta keep that kind away

They searched the skies in hopes that they
could locate him while on his way
drawn by deer his laden sleigh
would leave a trail, give him away
they didn't know what Santa'd done
his sleigh now powered by the sun
and how that mighty sleigh could run
how fast no one could say

He could see himself coming when he turned around
he was off again ere he touched the ground
his sleigh too fast to make a sound
his presence to betray
Santa left his gifts that night
for all the children sleeping tight
who'll wake come morning in delight 
across the USA

Then off to Europe Santa flew
and yes, he went to Asia too
then Africa, Australia
and then to South America
then having finished leaving toys
for all the world's girls and boys
due north now did he point his sleigh
for it was nearly yesterday

Once home he put his sleigh away
with Mrs. Claus he hit the hay
and snoozed the snowy day away
somewhere far north of Nome
and when at last, his snoozing done
he watched the setting of the sun
with wife and elves, everyone
spent Christmas Eve at home


  1. Merry Christmas to all at Marlinspike Hall!

    1. and a happy december 27th to all in fresca land! i need to come visit... sending wishes for a wonderful new year, another twirling whirl around the sun!


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